if oprah wanted to know your story

so the oprah show is looking for real military spouses. the big problem, in 2000 characters, including spaces, they want you to answer these questions:

the oprah show wants to hear what it's like to be a real-life army wife. is your husband currently deployed? has your husband just returned home? has he been on multiple tours? what do you know about his experience in iraq or afghanistan? how does it feel to have your husband oversears for months at a time? what is it like when he returns home? has his time overseas strengthened your relationship? or have you found you've grown apart and fight more often?

do you feel like your husband is a different man now than he was before the war? is he having trouble sleeping? controlling his anger? reconnecting with the kids? being social? is he having flashbacks? drinking a lot? addicted to pain-killers or other drugs? what is the best and worst part about being an army wife?

i don't own a 'hump bar' or any other business. i don't recent my husband's job, what i don't nor will ever know about it, or the fact that his career will always come before mine. i have never, nor will i ever cheat on my husband. i'm not the perfect army wife, but i am a real army wife.

as each day passes, i can tell you exactly how many more until my husband deploys for his fourth time. each night i lay awake because my anxiety keeps my mind racing, worrying what i'll do if i become 'one of them.' i've heard taps played twice, watched the folded flag be laid in the arms of friends and clutched our son tightly as the smoke cleared from the 21-gun salute. nothing can prepare you to comfort a friend and their family when their life has been shattered, not even the care team training.

i started writing a blog, survivingmydeployment.blogspot.com, to clear my head and somewhere along the way i collected stories from my sisters, my pillars of strength that i now pass on to those who walk in our shoes for the first time. each week i type away on my blackberry a check-up for those, many i've never met, who are currently surviving their deployment. all little things i wish someone had done for me. and yet things you can't prepare yourself for until you're there, in their shoes.

in the three short years we've been together, we've spent more time apart then together. this will the first year ever that we actually celebrate every holiday between labor day and valentine's day according to the calendar without sending a single flat rate box. sure, it's a life we knew we'd have. heck, we spent 12 hours on our first date talking about it. but nothing can prepare you for this life. how do you prepare to change your wedding date because 'duty called?' how do you enjoy your pregnancy knowing that 5 weeks later the first-time dad will miss the next 15 months of your son's life? how do you prepare to handle the changes you will all experiences?

you can't prepare for this life, but you can get up each day and make the most of it. between balancing a daily schedule that involves play dates for our 2 year old, household chores, frg meetings, and just living, i struggle, but i'm learning to deal. and even after taking every class offered about ptsd and suicide, nothing can prepare you for it until it's on your doorstep. but you learn to deal, because even though he changed, you changed too and i can't stop loving him.

as the minutes tick away, you try hard not to cry. you smile, you pose for what could be your last pictures together. you just become numb. you watch him board the white bus with the rest of his soldiers in the midst of the cool night and watch them drive away, praying it won't be the last time you see him alive. and then you clutch to your phone for the next three days praying for any word from him. if you're fortunate enough, he'll pass through bangor, maine, and maybe they snapped a pictures of him as he was greeted by those amazing veterans and americans. until he reaches his destination, i'm a mess, on the inside. you build a routine, you keep busy, and you avoid the news at all cost. between the last 'good-bye' and 'i'll be seeing you in my dreams tonight,' you keep his words echoing in your head, 'it's just a few months out of a lifetime.'

as the weeks pass and you've built your routine, you countdown until r&r, making plans, picking out the perfect outfit, and planning a surprise at the airport for him. the next 18 days fly by way too fast. i don't think i've ever taken that many pictures of them, my husband and our then 7-month-old son, in their entire short time together. and then comes one of the hardest days ever. you have to take him back to the airport and watch him leave, again. and what made it harder this time around was our son standing at the terminal window crying as we watched his plane taxi away. i cried for over an hour in the car that day. then begins the countdown again. this time to homecoming. only 8 more months to go.

finally you cling to the phone again, counting down the hours, praying the sandstorms don't delay their flights, again. you wait in the crowded gym with the air stuffy, filled with excitement and sadness, knowing that some of those you sent off won't be coming home, not this way. the doors finally fling open, a roar comes over all of you and you finally see his scruffy face with his over-grown fro under his patrol cap. he runs toward you, you throw yours arms around him, squishing your now 15-month-old son, and not noticing the horrible smell of 3 day unbathenedness. on the inside i've been praying our son takes to him quickly. at first, it seemed like we would have a long struggle, but by bath time that night, it seemed like they had picked up right where they had left off. and then begins the reintegration.

he reads parent magazine in between suicide briefings and psychological screenings. as he's learning everyday how to be a father, he also struggles with isolating himself from us, knoiwng that in a short time he will be deploying again, leaving us alone again with only a webcam and care packages to stay in touch. it's tough, giving back all those responsibilities you had to take on during the deploying. while we try to get comfortable with the idea of being a 'family,' it's overwhelming, trying to give him more control again and yet giving him all the time he needs to take on those responsibilities. we moved shortly after my husband came home, twice actually, adding a heap of stress that others didn't have to take on.

over time i too isolate, or rather make myself so busy, that i don't have time to feel the pain or the anxiety anymore. i cry in the shower nearly everyday. sometimes i take my valium and percicoit, prescribed for my back injury, to help me 'relax, calm the anxiety.' i waited for months to see a mental health specialist; partially afraid that my 'weakness' would hinder my husband's progress, mentally and professionally, and partially because i was just 'too busy.' it's ironic, we're army and it was my air force family provider who was the one who noticed my anxiety and referred, 10 months after my husband had come home.

my husband and i aren't the only ones struggling. our 2 year old son cries each morning, clinging to my husband's leg as he leaves for work, convinced that today might be the day he leaves again to return to the webcam. i would expect him to experience separation anxiety with me, the one constant in his life thus far. when we're on post, he 'searches' every uniform for daddy. we visit my husband at work at least once a week to have lunch with him, each time ending with a few tears in our son's eyes and a face of anxiety and wonderment, will this be the last time i see daddy. the sound of 'taps,' backfire and even fireworks scare our son more then the average toddler.

it's not an easy life. it's not a life you can prepare for. it's not a life that most 27 year olds live, but it's our life. we're the fortunate ones. we have an amazing support unit that we've surrounded ourselves with. between our parents, all with prior service to the military as soldiers, spouses, or civilian contractors, our siblings who are our leaning posts, and our best friend who call me out of the blue every few weeks to make sure we're okay while my husband is deployed. i have also sought out encouragement and strength from my online friends, nearly all who i've never met, but never let me down when i need encouragement. it's the support unit that has helped us through all of the deployment cycles. and without them, you're setting yourself up for a failure, for more struggles then you need.

so i may never make it on the cover of 'military spouses' magazine or sit before congress and speak on the behalf of all my sisters-in-arms, but the little things i do make me a real army wife with real struggles and real moments that make it all worth it.
jackie
army
2 deployments

ten years ago i was just a girl who fell in love with a soldier. ten years later that soldier is my husband, the father of our children. ten years later i have walked through more military separations than i can count. we have survived 2 deployments, one in iraq, one in afghanistan. one wedding nearly missed due to the call to assist in post hurricane katrina efforts. one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year is what you hear on the guard commericals. the real story is that this is a real life, full of unforeseen natural disasters, politically debated wars, tears and heartaches, gut wrenching good-byes and sweet reunions.

i will never forget finding out that my husband was being deployed while i was pregnant with our first child. the excitement over the birth of our son became clouded with nerves and sympathetic glances. i was sitting in the meeting at my husband's armory when the news came crashing down. the families had been invited to come to a sunday afternoon meeting. we knew there was the possibility of a deployment on the horizon. it was spring 2007 and i came expecting to hear about military family activities or information on benefits. nothing prepared me to hear my husband's commander confirm our fears; your husbands are being deployed. 'later this fall they will leave for training, they should get leave before deploying overseas. they will be stationed in southern iraq. we don't know what the mission is, the dates may change but the deployment is inevitable.'

rob left when our son was 10 days old. i drove him the armory early in the morning and said good-bye. i felt almost numb by that point. all of the fear and nerves and tension were released because we were finally here. max had arrived and rob had left, this was to be our life for the next year. in that moment i accepted the deployment for the first time. i realized i could sink or swim and because i had a tiny human nestled in his car seat behind me i had to swim. i was a first time mom full of post patrum emotions and anxiety. we made it through that deployment, minute by minute, day by day. in my darkest hours as i sat rocking our son in the darkened nursery, i could do nothing more than cry out to God for answers. i wanted to know why we were enduring this separation, why it had to be in this timing. i clung to my faith and my pride in my husband like a life preserver in a raging sea. at times it was all i could do to keep my head above water.

today i am thankful. thankful that deployments are behind us, a memory that has become just another part of our story. i am thankful for hte military wives who comforted me through the pain of separation, many of whom i have never met in real life, our stories intermingled through our blogs and written in tears. i am thankful that my husband came home, safe, alive, albeit changed. we struggled through reintegration as we tried to remember how to be us, as rob learned how to be a dad, as max learned who this soldier was, his daddy. we are not perfect, we are not certain what the future holds, we wait with baited breath to hear the news again, but most importantly we are here, together, stronger than before, proud of our sacrifices to maintain the glory of this great country and humbled that we can call ourselves part of this story, the story of the united states armed forces.
jesi
national guard
2 deployments

i have known my husband my whole life. it is a love story that i didn't know about until 6 years ago. our fairytale starts out with our grandparents, who lived across the street from each other for 40 + years. our moms graduated high school together. and his middle sister and i are three weeks apart in age. i had never really thought of him as more than just a friend until then, the first time he deployed. i thought he had left the country without actually telling me good-bye, leaving me heart-broken. i wrote him a heart-felt email pretty much professing my new found love for him. then, the shock, he called and said i was crazy ad he would never leave without calling me. a month later, from iraq, he asked if we could start dating. just over year later we were married and it was that beginning of my fairytale.

while i was planning my wedding, i found of group of women on theknot.com, military brides. these women understood and knew what i was going through, planning a wedding while my future husband was serving our country. i was finishing graduate school in oklahoma while my fiance` was stationed in florida. these ladies soon became some of my best friends. we continue our friendship now, as married military spouses on a more private, safer board. my military friends know what i am going through when my husband is working long hours or has to go away for training for months on no end. they know how to answer all the military questions that nobody else can fill you in on, everything from how to get your id card to what is going on with deers/ tricare. last september, one of these pillars of strength lost her fiance`, something that is always in the back of my mind, of all of our minds. you couldn't have a better support group, of ladies you've never met, to hold and guide you through this life. we decided to do whatever we could to support her through out the year. from cards, to books, to trips to the spa, just to let her know we were and still are thinking of her. her fiance` gave the ultimate sacrifice and for that i will always be grateful. this past month we had our first big get together, with nearly two dozen of us showing up with our heroes and our children. the women are the people i cry to on a bad day, or the first ones i can call on when my husband is on his way home.

my husband and i have been lucky in that in our almost 5 years of marriage, come new year's eve it'll be 5 years, we haven't had another deployment. in that time we have lived in four states, had a baby girl and switched from the air force to the army. we are now in the midst of our first 'year-long' army deployment. in reality, when my husband finally comes home again, he will have been gone for 15 months; three months training at a different duty station from us and then 12 months overseas. this will be the hardest, but most gratifying year of my life. gratifying? i never would have thought i would be a 'geographical single mom,' dealing with the house, car and everything else, while worrying about my husband and his safety. we will get through this and be a stronger couple for what we have been through. as a couple we had had to find new ways to express our love and in that our love has grown stronger each day.

when he finally arrives back home, he will have 10 year left with the military. my husband is a 'lifer' and for the men and women who chose this career path i am so grateful. the military has its ups and its downs, but what job and what life doesn't?
heather
army
2 deployments