so the long months are over with and it's time to finally welcome your hero home! are you ready? one of the trademarks of homecoming is always the homecoming signs. here are some of our favorites:
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
you, baby and deployment
you peed on a stick and it was pink, positive, pregnant! oh, and then your partner in causing this reaction just received deployment orders. now what? how will you and the bun you bake endure this? how will your other half be able to stay part of this beautiful journey?
i have had 2 of my 3 children without my soldier home. he was deployed when our youngest daughter was born and he was at basic training when our second daughter was born. i have to say, it was very hard time. when i was pregnant with our second daughter it wasn't as difficult though as our youngest. i knew was just a few hours away at basic, safe, not in a warzone. there weren't any terrorists trying to kill him. he came home two weeks after our second daughter was born. i was blessed to have my mom and sister to help me with our oldest daughter while my hubsand was still at basic and our new daughter came home.
with our youngest daughter it was a very different situation. the deployment came up on us suddenly and i was already 5 months pregnant. it was our first deployment. we had no clue what to expect and were 22 hours away from our family. again, i knew i was going to have to do this alone. i felt so lonely. he wasn't there to rub my back, feel the baby kick, or hear her heartbeat. i kind of had to put on my big girl panties and realize that this baby was coming whether my hubby was in afghanstain or not. i was scheduled to be induced in the early morning and i prayed my husband wouldn't call. i know that sounds horribe. you're thinking what wife doesn't want to hear his voice, but i knew if he called i would be so emotional (thanks pregnancy hormones!).
i didn't think i would be strong enough to have our daughter without our family or without my husband. well, being the wonderful, caring man he is, he did call just to let me know he was thinking of us and he loved us. well, our youngest daughter didn't come! the induction didn't work. i went home and went into labor a week later! God had a it all planned out. with in that week my husband's unit got the word they were coming home early! my husband missed our youngest daughter's birth by just a few days. and my family made it to ft. polk to help me thorugh the labor.
it turned out well in the end. i kept my husband involved by tell him when my appointments were. any paperwork i received, i copied and mailed them to him. i sent him ultrasound pictures through email and through the mail so he could hold them. i told him about almost everything, everything but the pains and discomfort of being pregnant. i didn't want him to take his mind of the mission.
amanda
army
2 deployments
the same week that we got married, not on our orginial wedding date thanks to hubby being on deployment alert, we found out we were going to be parents. we were thrilled. now, had hubby deployed when he had been put on alert, he could have taken his r&r around the time of our son's birth. however, orders changed and thankfully my hubby was home for the full pregnancy, but deployed 5 weeks after our son was born.
i had an easy pregnancy. two mornings of morning sickness. didn't find out i was pregnant until the 12th week. and i was fortunate that hubby was able to go to every appointment except one. however, as we counted down to the arrival of our son, i knew we were counting down to my hubby's deployment. it made the pregnancy even more hormonal and emotional.
to keep hubby involved in our lil man's life as he grew each day and did something new each day, we used the webcam to have playdates. i also took tons of pictures and mailed at least 10 a week to hubby. also, as our son got older, my hubby was gone for 14 months, we would do little projects to mail to my hubby, every week. our lil man started understanding during the last few months that he was missing his daddy being able to play with him. but, as difficult as it was watching my hubby watch our son group up on the webcam and in pictures and home movies, the day he came home, we had dinner and picked up where he left off, with bath duty!
jackie
army
2 deployments
keeping daddy connected ideas:
*if you can, bring along your camera or video camera to each appointment so you can record or take pictures. also, as amanda did, make copies of all the papers they give you and send them to daddy.
*if you can keep the gender to yourself (if you're finding out), a fun way to share with daddy is to to a 'gender' care package. fill the box with all things in the particular color (can be baby things and things for daddy).
*make a scrapbook of the pregnancy (great for daddy and to look back at) and send it page by page to daddy.
*when the day comes, if daddy can't be there, find an OpLove Reunited photographer (www.oplove.org) who would be willing to take pictures of the big arrival. if your hospital will allow it, consider the webcam (some commanders will allow your soldier time off to watch, some) or maybe the video camera.
*pictures! pictures! pictures! lots of pictures as you grow through the pregnancy and as baby grows. my friend did a great thing and is still doing it. she is taking a picture a day of her daughter as she grows, everyday.
*start a blog to journal about your pregnancy and as baby grows. we did one for our son and still have it, nearly 2.5 yrs later.
i have had 2 of my 3 children without my soldier home. he was deployed when our youngest daughter was born and he was at basic training when our second daughter was born. i have to say, it was very hard time. when i was pregnant with our second daughter it wasn't as difficult though as our youngest. i knew was just a few hours away at basic, safe, not in a warzone. there weren't any terrorists trying to kill him. he came home two weeks after our second daughter was born. i was blessed to have my mom and sister to help me with our oldest daughter while my hubsand was still at basic and our new daughter came home.
with our youngest daughter it was a very different situation. the deployment came up on us suddenly and i was already 5 months pregnant. it was our first deployment. we had no clue what to expect and were 22 hours away from our family. again, i knew i was going to have to do this alone. i felt so lonely. he wasn't there to rub my back, feel the baby kick, or hear her heartbeat. i kind of had to put on my big girl panties and realize that this baby was coming whether my hubby was in afghanstain or not. i was scheduled to be induced in the early morning and i prayed my husband wouldn't call. i know that sounds horribe. you're thinking what wife doesn't want to hear his voice, but i knew if he called i would be so emotional (thanks pregnancy hormones!).
i didn't think i would be strong enough to have our daughter without our family or without my husband. well, being the wonderful, caring man he is, he did call just to let me know he was thinking of us and he loved us. well, our youngest daughter didn't come! the induction didn't work. i went home and went into labor a week later! God had a it all planned out. with in that week my husband's unit got the word they were coming home early! my husband missed our youngest daughter's birth by just a few days. and my family made it to ft. polk to help me thorugh the labor.
it turned out well in the end. i kept my husband involved by tell him when my appointments were. any paperwork i received, i copied and mailed them to him. i sent him ultrasound pictures through email and through the mail so he could hold them. i told him about almost everything, everything but the pains and discomfort of being pregnant. i didn't want him to take his mind of the mission.
amanda
army
2 deployments
the same week that we got married, not on our orginial wedding date thanks to hubby being on deployment alert, we found out we were going to be parents. we were thrilled. now, had hubby deployed when he had been put on alert, he could have taken his r&r around the time of our son's birth. however, orders changed and thankfully my hubby was home for the full pregnancy, but deployed 5 weeks after our son was born.
i had an easy pregnancy. two mornings of morning sickness. didn't find out i was pregnant until the 12th week. and i was fortunate that hubby was able to go to every appointment except one. however, as we counted down to the arrival of our son, i knew we were counting down to my hubby's deployment. it made the pregnancy even more hormonal and emotional.
to keep hubby involved in our lil man's life as he grew each day and did something new each day, we used the webcam to have playdates. i also took tons of pictures and mailed at least 10 a week to hubby. also, as our son got older, my hubby was gone for 14 months, we would do little projects to mail to my hubby, every week. our lil man started understanding during the last few months that he was missing his daddy being able to play with him. but, as difficult as it was watching my hubby watch our son group up on the webcam and in pictures and home movies, the day he came home, we had dinner and picked up where he left off, with bath duty!
jackie
army
2 deployments
keeping daddy connected ideas:
*if you can, bring along your camera or video camera to each appointment so you can record or take pictures. also, as amanda did, make copies of all the papers they give you and send them to daddy.
*if you can keep the gender to yourself (if you're finding out), a fun way to share with daddy is to to a 'gender' care package. fill the box with all things in the particular color (can be baby things and things for daddy).
*make a scrapbook of the pregnancy (great for daddy and to look back at) and send it page by page to daddy.
*when the day comes, if daddy can't be there, find an OpLove Reunited photographer (www.oplove.org) who would be willing to take pictures of the big arrival. if your hospital will allow it, consider the webcam (some commanders will allow your soldier time off to watch, some) or maybe the video camera.
*pictures! pictures! pictures! lots of pictures as you grow through the pregnancy and as baby grows. my friend did a great thing and is still doing it. she is taking a picture a day of her daughter as she grows, everyday.
*start a blog to journal about your pregnancy and as baby grows. we did one for our son and still have it, nearly 2.5 yrs later.
Friday, December 18, 2009
through it all, don't lose yourself
it's hard sometimes not to get completely wrapped up in your soldier's world, to paint your entry way in his unit colors, to adorn the rear of your car with yellow ribbon magnets and bumper stickers, to wear his pt shirt every waking moment when he's gone, but is that really who YOU are? though you want to be supportive, find a balance between being that support, his #1 cheerleader and still be yourself.
i don't think you would be able to tell just from looking at me that i'm a military wife. well, except when i was at the uniform center recently and i had no clue what patches hubby needed! i don't think my identify has been lost at all, but we are not your typical military family. greg is the only person in my extended family who has been in the service by choice (i have an uncle who went to vietnam). i think it should become a part of who you are, but it should not completely change you.
catherine
navy
2 deployments
you would never know dave was deployed by looking at me. i've never immersed myself in military culture by plastering my car with '1/2 my heart is in iraq' stickers, wearing pts tot he grocery store or displaying service stars in my living room windows. i do have two battalion or squadron t-shirts that i wear to work out in and i have a necklace with a stryker on it, but no overt every day symbols. i want people to look at me and want to get to know me for me, not for being a military wife. i'm not looking for sympathy from passer-byers and can wear my pride on my face rather than on my car, purse, or clothing. survival in the face of adversity is the best representation of a military wife (not always pretty, but making it when the going gets tough). plus, i'd rather the crazies at wal-mart not know that i'm living alone in my house with a small child and two weenie dogs for protection.
i think it depends on where you are in your life as to how bulldozed you feel by your husband's career. had you asked me this two years ago when i had to leave a dream job in washington to move to podunk, kentucky, i would have told you i was resentful of his career. today, i'm thankful for the luxury it affords me - staying home with our baby, going to school for free, etc. either way, you have to develop your own identify so that you don't become lost in the shuffle of constant pcs moves, new jobs and new friends. sometimes it takes being lost for a while to realize the necessity of being your own person - someone supportive of, but separate from, his career.
aspen
army
2 deployments
i don't think that being in the military changes you all that much. if anything, it brings out the patriotism that is inside you. if someone were to look at me, they may not know we are military. but when my hubby is gone, i do like to were a pin in honor of him. now if they were to come to my house, yes, they would know that we are a military family. we are very proud of what each and every one of the military members are doing or have done in our family. i would love to decorate in support of my husband when he is gone, but that just makes us a target. we do have the bumper stickers to symbolize that we are military. our lives change and will never be the same when we join the military, but t doesn't change who you are. we are not exempt from the evil in the civilian world. that is where i thought wrong, i thought it was going to be great, no crime, no drama, nothing like in the civilian world. i was wrong. here are our current duty station the crime rate is high. drugs, alcohol, attempted child abductions are all of what we deal with here and many other military bases.
amanda
army
2 deployments
i don't think you would be able to tell just from looking at me that i'm a military wife. well, except when i was at the uniform center recently and i had no clue what patches hubby needed! i don't think my identify has been lost at all, but we are not your typical military family. greg is the only person in my extended family who has been in the service by choice (i have an uncle who went to vietnam). i think it should become a part of who you are, but it should not completely change you.
catherine
navy
2 deployments
you would never know dave was deployed by looking at me. i've never immersed myself in military culture by plastering my car with '1/2 my heart is in iraq' stickers, wearing pts tot he grocery store or displaying service stars in my living room windows. i do have two battalion or squadron t-shirts that i wear to work out in and i have a necklace with a stryker on it, but no overt every day symbols. i want people to look at me and want to get to know me for me, not for being a military wife. i'm not looking for sympathy from passer-byers and can wear my pride on my face rather than on my car, purse, or clothing. survival in the face of adversity is the best representation of a military wife (not always pretty, but making it when the going gets tough). plus, i'd rather the crazies at wal-mart not know that i'm living alone in my house with a small child and two weenie dogs for protection.
i think it depends on where you are in your life as to how bulldozed you feel by your husband's career. had you asked me this two years ago when i had to leave a dream job in washington to move to podunk, kentucky, i would have told you i was resentful of his career. today, i'm thankful for the luxury it affords me - staying home with our baby, going to school for free, etc. either way, you have to develop your own identify so that you don't become lost in the shuffle of constant pcs moves, new jobs and new friends. sometimes it takes being lost for a while to realize the necessity of being your own person - someone supportive of, but separate from, his career.
aspen
army
2 deployments
i don't think that being in the military changes you all that much. if anything, it brings out the patriotism that is inside you. if someone were to look at me, they may not know we are military. but when my hubby is gone, i do like to were a pin in honor of him. now if they were to come to my house, yes, they would know that we are a military family. we are very proud of what each and every one of the military members are doing or have done in our family. i would love to decorate in support of my husband when he is gone, but that just makes us a target. we do have the bumper stickers to symbolize that we are military. our lives change and will never be the same when we join the military, but t doesn't change who you are. we are not exempt from the evil in the civilian world. that is where i thought wrong, i thought it was going to be great, no crime, no drama, nothing like in the civilian world. i was wrong. here are our current duty station the crime rate is high. drugs, alcohol, attempted child abductions are all of what we deal with here and many other military bases.
amanda
army
2 deployments
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
adding some new resources!
so i just sat through one of my favorite conferences thus far in my military career! tara and star of the army wifw network (armywifenetwork.com) visited our duty station with their 'field experience' spouses conference. let me tell you, when i grow up, i want to be like them, helping other spouses make the most of this blessing in diguise we call the military life.
so after laughing, sharing personal stories and crying a little, yes, i had tears, i walked out with tons of resources, just for y'all! so, check out our resource list on the left and make use of them. these people are here to help you, the military spouse, make the most of this life we live. enjoy!
armywifenetwork.com: need a message board, some answers, great blogs to read, podcasts, links to great resources and vendors who love miltiary spouses and their heroes.
usaa.com: who are you banking with? who has your car insured? who has your back with your house? who is looking out for your retirement? usaa has been loving on military families from the start. and the ceo, he's retired military.
so after laughing, sharing personal stories and crying a little, yes, i had tears, i walked out with tons of resources, just for y'all! so, check out our resource list on the left and make use of them. these people are here to help you, the military spouse, make the most of this life we live. enjoy!
armywifenetwork.com: need a message board, some answers, great blogs to read, podcasts, links to great resources and vendors who love miltiary spouses and their heroes.
usaa.com: who are you banking with? who has your car insured? who has your back with your house? who is looking out for your retirement? usaa has been loving on military families from the start. and the ceo, he's retired military.
armyonesource.com: did you know there is military one source and then army one source? resource specific to the army.
militarybyowner.com: moving? trying to find a house to rent or even buy? check out military by owner to find your next home at your next duty station.
familymanager.com: need help organizing and running your household more efficiently? need a few ideas on how to maintain control through all the changes?
jointservicessupport.org: part of the guard or the reserves? this resource is just for you!
attagirlgifts.com: your hero gets ribbons for his accomplishments, why not get a reward for all you endure.
flatdaddies.com: want to take your hero everywhere with you? want to put him on the wall and leave him there until he comes home? get a life-size sticker cling of your hero's upper body to use as you please.
polkadotdoorboutique.com: what to take your hero with you where ever you go? why not have a handbag, diaper bag or countless other things made from his uniform. seneca, an army wife makes super cute bags so you can have your 'hero on my arm.' i personally had a diaper bag made and LOVE IT!
hugahero.com: need a daddy doll for your little one to hold (or yourself)? want to make a 'baby doll' or 'dog doll' for your hero to hold while downrange?
afterdeployment.org: ready to face those challenges that come when he comes home from war? you're not alone. check out the great resources here.
use this time to set goals
so your loved one will gone for a number of months. what to do? how to keep busy? set yourself some goals. from fitness goals of getting healthier to financial goals of paying off your debts and saving more to finishing up your schooling, the possibilities are endless. but trust me, when your hero comes home and sees what all you've accomplished, you too will feel empowered, not only by his words, but by knowing you did this.
i set money goals. i pick a credit card and decide to pay that one off. if i have more than one that needs to be paid, i try to get them paid off too. after those are paid, i try to set the amount i had been paying and put it toward saving money.
i plan a small event every month to have something to look forward to. plan a mommy night out or a movie with friends. i also plan something halfway through. this time, we went to my dad's for a long weekend.
carlin
army
5 deployments
well for me it was going to school the first time hubby deployed. the second time it was paying off debt. by the third deployment i focused on the kids (then teenagers), always with something going on. really it depends on what you think will work for you. the important thing is to find something and get out of the house, stay busy. it makes time go by faster that way.
stacy
army
3 deployments
the first time my airman was gone it was about surviving single parenthood with a 4 month old and another on the way.. i missed him like terrible, but i was very consumed with feeling sick and taking care of our baby and baby on the way. this time around i am focusing on losing that baby weight (by the way, half through the deployment and i've made it to my goal weight!) and keeping my heart focused on the future. when my airman gets back, we will be that much closer to the end of our military career. we've made it this far, and we will finish strong! but, the greatest focus of my life, is Jesus. He gets me through like no one else!
taylor
air force
2 deployments
for the first deployment i focused on teaching. i had just started my new teaching job when hubby, then my boyfriend, deployed. i also worked on scrapbooking, a new hobby of mine at that time. during the second deployment, i was consumed with our son, who was just 5 weeks old when my hubby deployed. between raising our son with me at home and my hubby on the webcam, i also finished up my masters and lost all of my baby weight. having goals, like finishing my masters and losing that baby weight really kept me focused.
to help us pass the time, we also has little 'trips' each month. between visiting a new area attraction to visiting family, our son and i visited 8 different airports over the course of 14 months! it was nice though. this next deployment will be exploring our new duty station and the surrounding areas.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
i set money goals. i pick a credit card and decide to pay that one off. if i have more than one that needs to be paid, i try to get them paid off too. after those are paid, i try to set the amount i had been paying and put it toward saving money.
i plan a small event every month to have something to look forward to. plan a mommy night out or a movie with friends. i also plan something halfway through. this time, we went to my dad's for a long weekend.
carlin
army
5 deployments
well for me it was going to school the first time hubby deployed. the second time it was paying off debt. by the third deployment i focused on the kids (then teenagers), always with something going on. really it depends on what you think will work for you. the important thing is to find something and get out of the house, stay busy. it makes time go by faster that way.
stacy
army
3 deployments
the first time my airman was gone it was about surviving single parenthood with a 4 month old and another on the way.. i missed him like terrible, but i was very consumed with feeling sick and taking care of our baby and baby on the way. this time around i am focusing on losing that baby weight (by the way, half through the deployment and i've made it to my goal weight!) and keeping my heart focused on the future. when my airman gets back, we will be that much closer to the end of our military career. we've made it this far, and we will finish strong! but, the greatest focus of my life, is Jesus. He gets me through like no one else!
taylor
air force
2 deployments
for the first deployment i focused on teaching. i had just started my new teaching job when hubby, then my boyfriend, deployed. i also worked on scrapbooking, a new hobby of mine at that time. during the second deployment, i was consumed with our son, who was just 5 weeks old when my hubby deployed. between raising our son with me at home and my hubby on the webcam, i also finished up my masters and lost all of my baby weight. having goals, like finishing my masters and losing that baby weight really kept me focused.
to help us pass the time, we also has little 'trips' each month. between visiting a new area attraction to visiting family, our son and i visited 8 different airports over the course of 14 months! it was nice though. this next deployment will be exploring our new duty station and the surrounding areas.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
Saturday, November 21, 2009
if oprah wanted to know your story
so the oprah show is looking for real military spouses. the big problem, in 2000 characters, including spaces, they want you to answer these questions:
the oprah show wants to hear what it's like to be a real-life army wife. is your husband currently deployed? has your husband just returned home? has he been on multiple tours? what do you know about his experience in iraq or afghanistan? how does it feel to have your husband oversears for months at a time? what is it like when he returns home? has his time overseas strengthened your relationship? or have you found you've grown apart and fight more often?
do you feel like your husband is a different man now than he was before the war? is he having trouble sleeping? controlling his anger? reconnecting with the kids? being social? is he having flashbacks? drinking a lot? addicted to pain-killers or other drugs? what is the best and worst part about being an army wife?
i don't own a 'hump bar' or any other business. i don't recent my husband's job, what i don't nor will ever know about it, or the fact that his career will always come before mine. i have never, nor will i ever cheat on my husband. i'm not the perfect army wife, but i am a real army wife.
as each day passes, i can tell you exactly how many more until my husband deploys for his fourth time. each night i lay awake because my anxiety keeps my mind racing, worrying what i'll do if i become 'one of them.' i've heard taps played twice, watched the folded flag be laid in the arms of friends and clutched our son tightly as the smoke cleared from the 21-gun salute. nothing can prepare you to comfort a friend and their family when their life has been shattered, not even the care team training.
i started writing a blog, survivingmydeployment.blogspot.com, to clear my head and somewhere along the way i collected stories from my sisters, my pillars of strength that i now pass on to those who walk in our shoes for the first time. each week i type away on my blackberry a check-up for those, many i've never met, who are currently surviving their deployment. all little things i wish someone had done for me. and yet things you can't prepare yourself for until you're there, in their shoes.
in the three short years we've been together, we've spent more time apart then together. this will the first year ever that we actually celebrate every holiday between labor day and valentine's day according to the calendar without sending a single flat rate box. sure, it's a life we knew we'd have. heck, we spent 12 hours on our first date talking about it. but nothing can prepare you for this life. how do you prepare to change your wedding date because 'duty called?' how do you enjoy your pregnancy knowing that 5 weeks later the first-time dad will miss the next 15 months of your son's life? how do you prepare to handle the changes you will all experiences?
you can't prepare for this life, but you can get up each day and make the most of it. between balancing a daily schedule that involves play dates for our 2 year old, household chores, frg meetings, and just living, i struggle, but i'm learning to deal. and even after taking every class offered about ptsd and suicide, nothing can prepare you for it until it's on your doorstep. but you learn to deal, because even though he changed, you changed too and i can't stop loving him.
as the minutes tick away, you try hard not to cry. you smile, you pose for what could be your last pictures together. you just become numb. you watch him board the white bus with the rest of his soldiers in the midst of the cool night and watch them drive away, praying it won't be the last time you see him alive. and then you clutch to your phone for the next three days praying for any word from him. if you're fortunate enough, he'll pass through bangor, maine, and maybe they snapped a pictures of him as he was greeted by those amazing veterans and americans. until he reaches his destination, i'm a mess, on the inside. you build a routine, you keep busy, and you avoid the news at all cost. between the last 'good-bye' and 'i'll be seeing you in my dreams tonight,' you keep his words echoing in your head, 'it's just a few months out of a lifetime.'
as the weeks pass and you've built your routine, you countdown until r&r, making plans, picking out the perfect outfit, and planning a surprise at the airport for him. the next 18 days fly by way too fast. i don't think i've ever taken that many pictures of them, my husband and our then 7-month-old son, in their entire short time together. and then comes one of the hardest days ever. you have to take him back to the airport and watch him leave, again. and what made it harder this time around was our son standing at the terminal window crying as we watched his plane taxi away. i cried for over an hour in the car that day. then begins the countdown again. this time to homecoming. only 8 more months to go.
finally you cling to the phone again, counting down the hours, praying the sandstorms don't delay their flights, again. you wait in the crowded gym with the air stuffy, filled with excitement and sadness, knowing that some of those you sent off won't be coming home, not this way. the doors finally fling open, a roar comes over all of you and you finally see his scruffy face with his over-grown fro under his patrol cap. he runs toward you, you throw yours arms around him, squishing your now 15-month-old son, and not noticing the horrible smell of 3 day unbathenedness. on the inside i've been praying our son takes to him quickly. at first, it seemed like we would have a long struggle, but by bath time that night, it seemed like they had picked up right where they had left off. and then begins the reintegration.
he reads parent magazine in between suicide briefings and psychological screenings. as he's learning everyday how to be a father, he also struggles with isolating himself from us, knoiwng that in a short time he will be deploying again, leaving us alone again with only a webcam and care packages to stay in touch. it's tough, giving back all those responsibilities you had to take on during the deploying. while we try to get comfortable with the idea of being a 'family,' it's overwhelming, trying to give him more control again and yet giving him all the time he needs to take on those responsibilities. we moved shortly after my husband came home, twice actually, adding a heap of stress that others didn't have to take on.
over time i too isolate, or rather make myself so busy, that i don't have time to feel the pain or the anxiety anymore. i cry in the shower nearly everyday. sometimes i take my valium and percicoit, prescribed for my back injury, to help me 'relax, calm the anxiety.' i waited for months to see a mental health specialist; partially afraid that my 'weakness' would hinder my husband's progress, mentally and professionally, and partially because i was just 'too busy.' it's ironic, we're army and it was my air force family provider who was the one who noticed my anxiety and referred, 10 months after my husband had come home.
my husband and i aren't the only ones struggling. our 2 year old son cries each morning, clinging to my husband's leg as he leaves for work, convinced that today might be the day he leaves again to return to the webcam. i would expect him to experience separation anxiety with me, the one constant in his life thus far. when we're on post, he 'searches' every uniform for daddy. we visit my husband at work at least once a week to have lunch with him, each time ending with a few tears in our son's eyes and a face of anxiety and wonderment, will this be the last time i see daddy. the sound of 'taps,' backfire and even fireworks scare our son more then the average toddler.
it's not an easy life. it's not a life you can prepare for. it's not a life that most 27 year olds live, but it's our life. we're the fortunate ones. we have an amazing support unit that we've surrounded ourselves with. between our parents, all with prior service to the military as soldiers, spouses, or civilian contractors, our siblings who are our leaning posts, and our best friend who call me out of the blue every few weeks to make sure we're okay while my husband is deployed. i have also sought out encouragement and strength from my online friends, nearly all who i've never met, but never let me down when i need encouragement. it's the support unit that has helped us through all of the deployment cycles. and without them, you're setting yourself up for a failure, for more struggles then you need.
so i may never make it on the cover of 'military spouses' magazine or sit before congress and speak on the behalf of all my sisters-in-arms, but the little things i do make me a real army wife with real struggles and real moments that make it all worth it.
jackie
army
2 deployments
ten years ago i was just a girl who fell in love with a soldier. ten years later that soldier is my husband, the father of our children. ten years later i have walked through more military separations than i can count. we have survived 2 deployments, one in iraq, one in afghanistan. one wedding nearly missed due to the call to assist in post hurricane katrina efforts. one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year is what you hear on the guard commericals. the real story is that this is a real life, full of unforeseen natural disasters, politically debated wars, tears and heartaches, gut wrenching good-byes and sweet reunions.
i will never forget finding out that my husband was being deployed while i was pregnant with our first child. the excitement over the birth of our son became clouded with nerves and sympathetic glances. i was sitting in the meeting at my husband's armory when the news came crashing down. the families had been invited to come to a sunday afternoon meeting. we knew there was the possibility of a deployment on the horizon. it was spring 2007 and i came expecting to hear about military family activities or information on benefits. nothing prepared me to hear my husband's commander confirm our fears; your husbands are being deployed. 'later this fall they will leave for training, they should get leave before deploying overseas. they will be stationed in southern iraq. we don't know what the mission is, the dates may change but the deployment is inevitable.'
rob left when our son was 10 days old. i drove him the armory early in the morning and said good-bye. i felt almost numb by that point. all of the fear and nerves and tension were released because we were finally here. max had arrived and rob had left, this was to be our life for the next year. in that moment i accepted the deployment for the first time. i realized i could sink or swim and because i had a tiny human nestled in his car seat behind me i had to swim. i was a first time mom full of post patrum emotions and anxiety. we made it through that deployment, minute by minute, day by day. in my darkest hours as i sat rocking our son in the darkened nursery, i could do nothing more than cry out to God for answers. i wanted to know why we were enduring this separation, why it had to be in this timing. i clung to my faith and my pride in my husband like a life preserver in a raging sea. at times it was all i could do to keep my head above water.
today i am thankful. thankful that deployments are behind us, a memory that has become just another part of our story. i am thankful for hte military wives who comforted me through the pain of separation, many of whom i have never met in real life, our stories intermingled through our blogs and written in tears. i am thankful that my husband came home, safe, alive, albeit changed. we struggled through reintegration as we tried to remember how to be us, as rob learned how to be a dad, as max learned who this soldier was, his daddy. we are not perfect, we are not certain what the future holds, we wait with baited breath to hear the news again, but most importantly we are here, together, stronger than before, proud of our sacrifices to maintain the glory of this great country and humbled that we can call ourselves part of this story, the story of the united states armed forces.
jesi
national guard
2 deployments
i have known my husband my whole life. it is a love story that i didn't know about until 6 years ago. our fairytale starts out with our grandparents, who lived across the street from each other for 40 + years. our moms graduated high school together. and his middle sister and i are three weeks apart in age. i had never really thought of him as more than just a friend until then, the first time he deployed. i thought he had left the country without actually telling me good-bye, leaving me heart-broken. i wrote him a heart-felt email pretty much professing my new found love for him. then, the shock, he called and said i was crazy ad he would never leave without calling me. a month later, from iraq, he asked if we could start dating. just over year later we were married and it was that beginning of my fairytale.
while i was planning my wedding, i found of group of women on theknot.com, military brides. these women understood and knew what i was going through, planning a wedding while my future husband was serving our country. i was finishing graduate school in oklahoma while my fiance` was stationed in florida. these ladies soon became some of my best friends. we continue our friendship now, as married military spouses on a more private, safer board. my military friends know what i am going through when my husband is working long hours or has to go away for training for months on no end. they know how to answer all the military questions that nobody else can fill you in on, everything from how to get your id card to what is going on with deers/ tricare. last september, one of these pillars of strength lost her fiance`, something that is always in the back of my mind, of all of our minds. you couldn't have a better support group, of ladies you've never met, to hold and guide you through this life. we decided to do whatever we could to support her through out the year. from cards, to books, to trips to the spa, just to let her know we were and still are thinking of her. her fiance` gave the ultimate sacrifice and for that i will always be grateful. this past month we had our first big get together, with nearly two dozen of us showing up with our heroes and our children. the women are the people i cry to on a bad day, or the first ones i can call on when my husband is on his way home.
my husband and i have been lucky in that in our almost 5 years of marriage, come new year's eve it'll be 5 years, we haven't had another deployment. in that time we have lived in four states, had a baby girl and switched from the air force to the army. we are now in the midst of our first 'year-long' army deployment. in reality, when my husband finally comes home again, he will have been gone for 15 months; three months training at a different duty station from us and then 12 months overseas. this will be the hardest, but most gratifying year of my life. gratifying? i never would have thought i would be a 'geographical single mom,' dealing with the house, car and everything else, while worrying about my husband and his safety. we will get through this and be a stronger couple for what we have been through. as a couple we had had to find new ways to express our love and in that our love has grown stronger each day.
when he finally arrives back home, he will have 10 year left with the military. my husband is a 'lifer' and for the men and women who chose this career path i am so grateful. the military has its ups and its downs, but what job and what life doesn't?
heather
army
2 deployments
the oprah show wants to hear what it's like to be a real-life army wife. is your husband currently deployed? has your husband just returned home? has he been on multiple tours? what do you know about his experience in iraq or afghanistan? how does it feel to have your husband oversears for months at a time? what is it like when he returns home? has his time overseas strengthened your relationship? or have you found you've grown apart and fight more often?
do you feel like your husband is a different man now than he was before the war? is he having trouble sleeping? controlling his anger? reconnecting with the kids? being social? is he having flashbacks? drinking a lot? addicted to pain-killers or other drugs? what is the best and worst part about being an army wife?
i don't own a 'hump bar' or any other business. i don't recent my husband's job, what i don't nor will ever know about it, or the fact that his career will always come before mine. i have never, nor will i ever cheat on my husband. i'm not the perfect army wife, but i am a real army wife.
as each day passes, i can tell you exactly how many more until my husband deploys for his fourth time. each night i lay awake because my anxiety keeps my mind racing, worrying what i'll do if i become 'one of them.' i've heard taps played twice, watched the folded flag be laid in the arms of friends and clutched our son tightly as the smoke cleared from the 21-gun salute. nothing can prepare you to comfort a friend and their family when their life has been shattered, not even the care team training.
i started writing a blog, survivingmydeployment.blogspot.com, to clear my head and somewhere along the way i collected stories from my sisters, my pillars of strength that i now pass on to those who walk in our shoes for the first time. each week i type away on my blackberry a check-up for those, many i've never met, who are currently surviving their deployment. all little things i wish someone had done for me. and yet things you can't prepare yourself for until you're there, in their shoes.
in the three short years we've been together, we've spent more time apart then together. this will the first year ever that we actually celebrate every holiday between labor day and valentine's day according to the calendar without sending a single flat rate box. sure, it's a life we knew we'd have. heck, we spent 12 hours on our first date talking about it. but nothing can prepare you for this life. how do you prepare to change your wedding date because 'duty called?' how do you enjoy your pregnancy knowing that 5 weeks later the first-time dad will miss the next 15 months of your son's life? how do you prepare to handle the changes you will all experiences?
you can't prepare for this life, but you can get up each day and make the most of it. between balancing a daily schedule that involves play dates for our 2 year old, household chores, frg meetings, and just living, i struggle, but i'm learning to deal. and even after taking every class offered about ptsd and suicide, nothing can prepare you for it until it's on your doorstep. but you learn to deal, because even though he changed, you changed too and i can't stop loving him.
as the minutes tick away, you try hard not to cry. you smile, you pose for what could be your last pictures together. you just become numb. you watch him board the white bus with the rest of his soldiers in the midst of the cool night and watch them drive away, praying it won't be the last time you see him alive. and then you clutch to your phone for the next three days praying for any word from him. if you're fortunate enough, he'll pass through bangor, maine, and maybe they snapped a pictures of him as he was greeted by those amazing veterans and americans. until he reaches his destination, i'm a mess, on the inside. you build a routine, you keep busy, and you avoid the news at all cost. between the last 'good-bye' and 'i'll be seeing you in my dreams tonight,' you keep his words echoing in your head, 'it's just a few months out of a lifetime.'
as the weeks pass and you've built your routine, you countdown until r&r, making plans, picking out the perfect outfit, and planning a surprise at the airport for him. the next 18 days fly by way too fast. i don't think i've ever taken that many pictures of them, my husband and our then 7-month-old son, in their entire short time together. and then comes one of the hardest days ever. you have to take him back to the airport and watch him leave, again. and what made it harder this time around was our son standing at the terminal window crying as we watched his plane taxi away. i cried for over an hour in the car that day. then begins the countdown again. this time to homecoming. only 8 more months to go.
finally you cling to the phone again, counting down the hours, praying the sandstorms don't delay their flights, again. you wait in the crowded gym with the air stuffy, filled with excitement and sadness, knowing that some of those you sent off won't be coming home, not this way. the doors finally fling open, a roar comes over all of you and you finally see his scruffy face with his over-grown fro under his patrol cap. he runs toward you, you throw yours arms around him, squishing your now 15-month-old son, and not noticing the horrible smell of 3 day unbathenedness. on the inside i've been praying our son takes to him quickly. at first, it seemed like we would have a long struggle, but by bath time that night, it seemed like they had picked up right where they had left off. and then begins the reintegration.
he reads parent magazine in between suicide briefings and psychological screenings. as he's learning everyday how to be a father, he also struggles with isolating himself from us, knoiwng that in a short time he will be deploying again, leaving us alone again with only a webcam and care packages to stay in touch. it's tough, giving back all those responsibilities you had to take on during the deploying. while we try to get comfortable with the idea of being a 'family,' it's overwhelming, trying to give him more control again and yet giving him all the time he needs to take on those responsibilities. we moved shortly after my husband came home, twice actually, adding a heap of stress that others didn't have to take on.
over time i too isolate, or rather make myself so busy, that i don't have time to feel the pain or the anxiety anymore. i cry in the shower nearly everyday. sometimes i take my valium and percicoit, prescribed for my back injury, to help me 'relax, calm the anxiety.' i waited for months to see a mental health specialist; partially afraid that my 'weakness' would hinder my husband's progress, mentally and professionally, and partially because i was just 'too busy.' it's ironic, we're army and it was my air force family provider who was the one who noticed my anxiety and referred, 10 months after my husband had come home.
my husband and i aren't the only ones struggling. our 2 year old son cries each morning, clinging to my husband's leg as he leaves for work, convinced that today might be the day he leaves again to return to the webcam. i would expect him to experience separation anxiety with me, the one constant in his life thus far. when we're on post, he 'searches' every uniform for daddy. we visit my husband at work at least once a week to have lunch with him, each time ending with a few tears in our son's eyes and a face of anxiety and wonderment, will this be the last time i see daddy. the sound of 'taps,' backfire and even fireworks scare our son more then the average toddler.
it's not an easy life. it's not a life you can prepare for. it's not a life that most 27 year olds live, but it's our life. we're the fortunate ones. we have an amazing support unit that we've surrounded ourselves with. between our parents, all with prior service to the military as soldiers, spouses, or civilian contractors, our siblings who are our leaning posts, and our best friend who call me out of the blue every few weeks to make sure we're okay while my husband is deployed. i have also sought out encouragement and strength from my online friends, nearly all who i've never met, but never let me down when i need encouragement. it's the support unit that has helped us through all of the deployment cycles. and without them, you're setting yourself up for a failure, for more struggles then you need.
so i may never make it on the cover of 'military spouses' magazine or sit before congress and speak on the behalf of all my sisters-in-arms, but the little things i do make me a real army wife with real struggles and real moments that make it all worth it.
jackie
army
2 deployments
ten years ago i was just a girl who fell in love with a soldier. ten years later that soldier is my husband, the father of our children. ten years later i have walked through more military separations than i can count. we have survived 2 deployments, one in iraq, one in afghanistan. one wedding nearly missed due to the call to assist in post hurricane katrina efforts. one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year is what you hear on the guard commericals. the real story is that this is a real life, full of unforeseen natural disasters, politically debated wars, tears and heartaches, gut wrenching good-byes and sweet reunions.
i will never forget finding out that my husband was being deployed while i was pregnant with our first child. the excitement over the birth of our son became clouded with nerves and sympathetic glances. i was sitting in the meeting at my husband's armory when the news came crashing down. the families had been invited to come to a sunday afternoon meeting. we knew there was the possibility of a deployment on the horizon. it was spring 2007 and i came expecting to hear about military family activities or information on benefits. nothing prepared me to hear my husband's commander confirm our fears; your husbands are being deployed. 'later this fall they will leave for training, they should get leave before deploying overseas. they will be stationed in southern iraq. we don't know what the mission is, the dates may change but the deployment is inevitable.'
rob left when our son was 10 days old. i drove him the armory early in the morning and said good-bye. i felt almost numb by that point. all of the fear and nerves and tension were released because we were finally here. max had arrived and rob had left, this was to be our life for the next year. in that moment i accepted the deployment for the first time. i realized i could sink or swim and because i had a tiny human nestled in his car seat behind me i had to swim. i was a first time mom full of post patrum emotions and anxiety. we made it through that deployment, minute by minute, day by day. in my darkest hours as i sat rocking our son in the darkened nursery, i could do nothing more than cry out to God for answers. i wanted to know why we were enduring this separation, why it had to be in this timing. i clung to my faith and my pride in my husband like a life preserver in a raging sea. at times it was all i could do to keep my head above water.
today i am thankful. thankful that deployments are behind us, a memory that has become just another part of our story. i am thankful for hte military wives who comforted me through the pain of separation, many of whom i have never met in real life, our stories intermingled through our blogs and written in tears. i am thankful that my husband came home, safe, alive, albeit changed. we struggled through reintegration as we tried to remember how to be us, as rob learned how to be a dad, as max learned who this soldier was, his daddy. we are not perfect, we are not certain what the future holds, we wait with baited breath to hear the news again, but most importantly we are here, together, stronger than before, proud of our sacrifices to maintain the glory of this great country and humbled that we can call ourselves part of this story, the story of the united states armed forces.
jesi
national guard
2 deployments
i have known my husband my whole life. it is a love story that i didn't know about until 6 years ago. our fairytale starts out with our grandparents, who lived across the street from each other for 40 + years. our moms graduated high school together. and his middle sister and i are three weeks apart in age. i had never really thought of him as more than just a friend until then, the first time he deployed. i thought he had left the country without actually telling me good-bye, leaving me heart-broken. i wrote him a heart-felt email pretty much professing my new found love for him. then, the shock, he called and said i was crazy ad he would never leave without calling me. a month later, from iraq, he asked if we could start dating. just over year later we were married and it was that beginning of my fairytale.
while i was planning my wedding, i found of group of women on theknot.com, military brides. these women understood and knew what i was going through, planning a wedding while my future husband was serving our country. i was finishing graduate school in oklahoma while my fiance` was stationed in florida. these ladies soon became some of my best friends. we continue our friendship now, as married military spouses on a more private, safer board. my military friends know what i am going through when my husband is working long hours or has to go away for training for months on no end. they know how to answer all the military questions that nobody else can fill you in on, everything from how to get your id card to what is going on with deers/ tricare. last september, one of these pillars of strength lost her fiance`, something that is always in the back of my mind, of all of our minds. you couldn't have a better support group, of ladies you've never met, to hold and guide you through this life. we decided to do whatever we could to support her through out the year. from cards, to books, to trips to the spa, just to let her know we were and still are thinking of her. her fiance` gave the ultimate sacrifice and for that i will always be grateful. this past month we had our first big get together, with nearly two dozen of us showing up with our heroes and our children. the women are the people i cry to on a bad day, or the first ones i can call on when my husband is on his way home.
my husband and i have been lucky in that in our almost 5 years of marriage, come new year's eve it'll be 5 years, we haven't had another deployment. in that time we have lived in four states, had a baby girl and switched from the air force to the army. we are now in the midst of our first 'year-long' army deployment. in reality, when my husband finally comes home again, he will have been gone for 15 months; three months training at a different duty station from us and then 12 months overseas. this will be the hardest, but most gratifying year of my life. gratifying? i never would have thought i would be a 'geographical single mom,' dealing with the house, car and everything else, while worrying about my husband and his safety. we will get through this and be a stronger couple for what we have been through. as a couple we had had to find new ways to express our love and in that our love has grown stronger each day.
when he finally arrives back home, he will have 10 year left with the military. my husband is a 'lifer' and for the men and women who chose this career path i am so grateful. the military has its ups and its downs, but what job and what life doesn't?
heather
army
2 deployments
Saturday, October 31, 2009
and then came the holidays
with a flip of the calendar page, it comes upon. three major holidays one after the other. one at the end of each month. how on earth are you going to make it through this whirlwind of traditions, special moments and bittersweet moments you'll have to spend without your loved one?
take a deep breathe and remember what makes these days so special. not the date on the calendar, but being with the ones you love the most. and with that said, no one every said you could not trick-or-treat in march or eat turkey in july or have christmas in august. it's up to you and your loved one to decide how you will celebrate these holidays, but here are a few ways we managed.
our first thanksgiving together, my then boyfriend was stuck in afghanstain. so, i packed him a box with Jones turkey soda and those gummy fruit thanksgiving dinners you find at target and had my students make turkey handprints and made sure that he knew just how thankful we were for him and all of his soldiers. he returned home a few weeks later and we had our thanksgiving dinner then. sure, it was the middle of december on the calendar, but to us, it was thanksgiving.
a year later my husband and the father of our newborn son was gearing up to leave again. we had thanksgiving according to the calendar, but a few days later we did christmas. we put the tree, unwrapped our christmas pjs and watched our favorite christmas movies, even though it was only november. i had made a deal with him that when he would return home, 15 months older, we'd still have the tree up so that we could celebrate the christmas he would miss. so, 14 months later (he came home early), we picked him up, did our thanksgiving in january and the following weekend had our christmas, in january.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
the holidays are always the hardest during a deployment, which most of us already know being through it a few times already. but for those going through it for the first time ever, i say having damily and friends around always helps. i've been through 3 deployments and with each one having my family around during the holidays made it a little more bearable. if family isn't/can't be around, then gather your friends who are in the same boat as you and enjoy the holidays together, because we all know that family isn't just brothers, sisters, moms and dads when your an army wife.. it's any wife who is alone due to deployment.
stacy
army
3 deployments
take a deep breathe and remember what makes these days so special. not the date on the calendar, but being with the ones you love the most. and with that said, no one every said you could not trick-or-treat in march or eat turkey in july or have christmas in august. it's up to you and your loved one to decide how you will celebrate these holidays, but here are a few ways we managed.
our first thanksgiving together, my then boyfriend was stuck in afghanstain. so, i packed him a box with Jones turkey soda and those gummy fruit thanksgiving dinners you find at target and had my students make turkey handprints and made sure that he knew just how thankful we were for him and all of his soldiers. he returned home a few weeks later and we had our thanksgiving dinner then. sure, it was the middle of december on the calendar, but to us, it was thanksgiving.
a year later my husband and the father of our newborn son was gearing up to leave again. we had thanksgiving according to the calendar, but a few days later we did christmas. we put the tree, unwrapped our christmas pjs and watched our favorite christmas movies, even though it was only november. i had made a deal with him that when he would return home, 15 months older, we'd still have the tree up so that we could celebrate the christmas he would miss. so, 14 months later (he came home early), we picked him up, did our thanksgiving in january and the following weekend had our christmas, in january.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
the holidays are always the hardest during a deployment, which most of us already know being through it a few times already. but for those going through it for the first time ever, i say having damily and friends around always helps. i've been through 3 deployments and with each one having my family around during the holidays made it a little more bearable. if family isn't/can't be around, then gather your friends who are in the same boat as you and enjoy the holidays together, because we all know that family isn't just brothers, sisters, moms and dads when your an army wife.. it's any wife who is alone due to deployment.
stacy
army
3 deployments
spend the holidays with all the friends and family you can. consider video taping the holiday so that you can send it to your hero overseas so that they can feel apart of it. if possible, save the gift unwrapping for when your hero can be on the webcam and share in the excitement. stay strong throughout because sometimes the soldier gets a bit grouchy and doesn't want to talk about it and it's usually because of the holidays and having to miss out.
lauren
army
2 deployments
ideas for care packages:
for halloween:
- trick-or-treat bucket with goodies
- halloween decorations
- fake pumpkin that can be carved (check Michael's)
- a desktop scarecrow
- a box of leaves from the front yard
for thanksgiving:
- Jones soda in various thanksgiving favorite flavors
- gummy-fruit thanksgiving dinner
- handprint turkeys
- thankful turkey: make a construction paper turkey and on each feather write all the things that you are thankful that year
for christmas:
- countdown calendar to christmas (either buy one from the commissary or make your own with special little treats like love notes or trinkets)
- mini tree and ornaments (you can make your own ornaments, think pictures, to personalize it)
- make your own stocking and stuff it
- do your own 12 days of christmas
- holiday boudoir pictures are always a nice little something to tuck into a book
- homemade cookies are always nice (don't forget to put a slice of bread in to keep them moist)
- and don't forget the hot cocoa mix with marshmallows (paint your own mug)
- send party hats and poppers, but remember to keep one for yourself so you can ring in the new years together (twice)
- Welch's sparkling grape juice is a nice substitute for champagne
- 365 love resolutions (love notes)
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