it's hard sometimes not to get completely wrapped up in your soldier's world, to paint your entry way in his unit colors, to adorn the rear of your car with yellow ribbon magnets and bumper stickers, to wear his pt shirt every waking moment when he's gone, but is that really who YOU are? though you want to be supportive, find a balance between being that support, his #1 cheerleader and still be yourself.
i don't think you would be able to tell just from looking at me that i'm a military wife. well, except when i was at the uniform center recently and i had no clue what patches hubby needed! i don't think my identify has been lost at all, but we are not your typical military family. greg is the only person in my extended family who has been in the service by choice (i have an uncle who went to vietnam). i think it should become a part of who you are, but it should not completely change you.
catherine
navy
2 deployments
you would never know dave was deployed by looking at me. i've never immersed myself in military culture by plastering my car with '1/2 my heart is in iraq' stickers, wearing pts tot he grocery store or displaying service stars in my living room windows. i do have two battalion or squadron t-shirts that i wear to work out in and i have a necklace with a stryker on it, but no overt every day symbols. i want people to look at me and want to get to know me for me, not for being a military wife. i'm not looking for sympathy from passer-byers and can wear my pride on my face rather than on my car, purse, or clothing. survival in the face of adversity is the best representation of a military wife (not always pretty, but making it when the going gets tough). plus, i'd rather the crazies at wal-mart not know that i'm living alone in my house with a small child and two weenie dogs for protection.
i think it depends on where you are in your life as to how bulldozed you feel by your husband's career. had you asked me this two years ago when i had to leave a dream job in washington to move to podunk, kentucky, i would have told you i was resentful of his career. today, i'm thankful for the luxury it affords me - staying home with our baby, going to school for free, etc. either way, you have to develop your own identify so that you don't become lost in the shuffle of constant pcs moves, new jobs and new friends. sometimes it takes being lost for a while to realize the necessity of being your own person - someone supportive of, but separate from, his career.
aspen
army
2 deployments
i don't think that being in the military changes you all that much. if anything, it brings out the patriotism that is inside you. if someone were to look at me, they may not know we are military. but when my hubby is gone, i do like to were a pin in honor of him. now if they were to come to my house, yes, they would know that we are a military family. we are very proud of what each and every one of the military members are doing or have done in our family. i would love to decorate in support of my husband when he is gone, but that just makes us a target. we do have the bumper stickers to symbolize that we are military. our lives change and will never be the same when we join the military, but t doesn't change who you are. we are not exempt from the evil in the civilian world. that is where i thought wrong, i thought it was going to be great, no crime, no drama, nothing like in the civilian world. i was wrong. here are our current duty station the crime rate is high. drugs, alcohol, attempted child abductions are all of what we deal with here and many other military bases.
amanda
army
2 deployments
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
adding some new resources!
so i just sat through one of my favorite conferences thus far in my military career! tara and star of the army wifw network (armywifenetwork.com) visited our duty station with their 'field experience' spouses conference. let me tell you, when i grow up, i want to be like them, helping other spouses make the most of this blessing in diguise we call the military life.
so after laughing, sharing personal stories and crying a little, yes, i had tears, i walked out with tons of resources, just for y'all! so, check out our resource list on the left and make use of them. these people are here to help you, the military spouse, make the most of this life we live. enjoy!
armywifenetwork.com: need a message board, some answers, great blogs to read, podcasts, links to great resources and vendors who love miltiary spouses and their heroes.
usaa.com: who are you banking with? who has your car insured? who has your back with your house? who is looking out for your retirement? usaa has been loving on military families from the start. and the ceo, he's retired military.
so after laughing, sharing personal stories and crying a little, yes, i had tears, i walked out with tons of resources, just for y'all! so, check out our resource list on the left and make use of them. these people are here to help you, the military spouse, make the most of this life we live. enjoy!
armywifenetwork.com: need a message board, some answers, great blogs to read, podcasts, links to great resources and vendors who love miltiary spouses and their heroes.
usaa.com: who are you banking with? who has your car insured? who has your back with your house? who is looking out for your retirement? usaa has been loving on military families from the start. and the ceo, he's retired military.
armyonesource.com: did you know there is military one source and then army one source? resource specific to the army.
militarybyowner.com: moving? trying to find a house to rent or even buy? check out military by owner to find your next home at your next duty station.
familymanager.com: need help organizing and running your household more efficiently? need a few ideas on how to maintain control through all the changes?
jointservicessupport.org: part of the guard or the reserves? this resource is just for you!
attagirlgifts.com: your hero gets ribbons for his accomplishments, why not get a reward for all you endure.
flatdaddies.com: want to take your hero everywhere with you? want to put him on the wall and leave him there until he comes home? get a life-size sticker cling of your hero's upper body to use as you please.
polkadotdoorboutique.com: what to take your hero with you where ever you go? why not have a handbag, diaper bag or countless other things made from his uniform. seneca, an army wife makes super cute bags so you can have your 'hero on my arm.' i personally had a diaper bag made and LOVE IT!
hugahero.com: need a daddy doll for your little one to hold (or yourself)? want to make a 'baby doll' or 'dog doll' for your hero to hold while downrange?
afterdeployment.org: ready to face those challenges that come when he comes home from war? you're not alone. check out the great resources here.
use this time to set goals
so your loved one will gone for a number of months. what to do? how to keep busy? set yourself some goals. from fitness goals of getting healthier to financial goals of paying off your debts and saving more to finishing up your schooling, the possibilities are endless. but trust me, when your hero comes home and sees what all you've accomplished, you too will feel empowered, not only by his words, but by knowing you did this.
i set money goals. i pick a credit card and decide to pay that one off. if i have more than one that needs to be paid, i try to get them paid off too. after those are paid, i try to set the amount i had been paying and put it toward saving money.
i plan a small event every month to have something to look forward to. plan a mommy night out or a movie with friends. i also plan something halfway through. this time, we went to my dad's for a long weekend.
carlin
army
5 deployments
well for me it was going to school the first time hubby deployed. the second time it was paying off debt. by the third deployment i focused on the kids (then teenagers), always with something going on. really it depends on what you think will work for you. the important thing is to find something and get out of the house, stay busy. it makes time go by faster that way.
stacy
army
3 deployments
the first time my airman was gone it was about surviving single parenthood with a 4 month old and another on the way.. i missed him like terrible, but i was very consumed with feeling sick and taking care of our baby and baby on the way. this time around i am focusing on losing that baby weight (by the way, half through the deployment and i've made it to my goal weight!) and keeping my heart focused on the future. when my airman gets back, we will be that much closer to the end of our military career. we've made it this far, and we will finish strong! but, the greatest focus of my life, is Jesus. He gets me through like no one else!
taylor
air force
2 deployments
for the first deployment i focused on teaching. i had just started my new teaching job when hubby, then my boyfriend, deployed. i also worked on scrapbooking, a new hobby of mine at that time. during the second deployment, i was consumed with our son, who was just 5 weeks old when my hubby deployed. between raising our son with me at home and my hubby on the webcam, i also finished up my masters and lost all of my baby weight. having goals, like finishing my masters and losing that baby weight really kept me focused.
to help us pass the time, we also has little 'trips' each month. between visiting a new area attraction to visiting family, our son and i visited 8 different airports over the course of 14 months! it was nice though. this next deployment will be exploring our new duty station and the surrounding areas.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
i set money goals. i pick a credit card and decide to pay that one off. if i have more than one that needs to be paid, i try to get them paid off too. after those are paid, i try to set the amount i had been paying and put it toward saving money.
i plan a small event every month to have something to look forward to. plan a mommy night out or a movie with friends. i also plan something halfway through. this time, we went to my dad's for a long weekend.
carlin
army
5 deployments
well for me it was going to school the first time hubby deployed. the second time it was paying off debt. by the third deployment i focused on the kids (then teenagers), always with something going on. really it depends on what you think will work for you. the important thing is to find something and get out of the house, stay busy. it makes time go by faster that way.
stacy
army
3 deployments
the first time my airman was gone it was about surviving single parenthood with a 4 month old and another on the way.. i missed him like terrible, but i was very consumed with feeling sick and taking care of our baby and baby on the way. this time around i am focusing on losing that baby weight (by the way, half through the deployment and i've made it to my goal weight!) and keeping my heart focused on the future. when my airman gets back, we will be that much closer to the end of our military career. we've made it this far, and we will finish strong! but, the greatest focus of my life, is Jesus. He gets me through like no one else!
taylor
air force
2 deployments
for the first deployment i focused on teaching. i had just started my new teaching job when hubby, then my boyfriend, deployed. i also worked on scrapbooking, a new hobby of mine at that time. during the second deployment, i was consumed with our son, who was just 5 weeks old when my hubby deployed. between raising our son with me at home and my hubby on the webcam, i also finished up my masters and lost all of my baby weight. having goals, like finishing my masters and losing that baby weight really kept me focused.
to help us pass the time, we also has little 'trips' each month. between visiting a new area attraction to visiting family, our son and i visited 8 different airports over the course of 14 months! it was nice though. this next deployment will be exploring our new duty station and the surrounding areas.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
Saturday, November 21, 2009
if oprah wanted to know your story
so the oprah show is looking for real military spouses. the big problem, in 2000 characters, including spaces, they want you to answer these questions:
the oprah show wants to hear what it's like to be a real-life army wife. is your husband currently deployed? has your husband just returned home? has he been on multiple tours? what do you know about his experience in iraq or afghanistan? how does it feel to have your husband oversears for months at a time? what is it like when he returns home? has his time overseas strengthened your relationship? or have you found you've grown apart and fight more often?
do you feel like your husband is a different man now than he was before the war? is he having trouble sleeping? controlling his anger? reconnecting with the kids? being social? is he having flashbacks? drinking a lot? addicted to pain-killers or other drugs? what is the best and worst part about being an army wife?
i don't own a 'hump bar' or any other business. i don't recent my husband's job, what i don't nor will ever know about it, or the fact that his career will always come before mine. i have never, nor will i ever cheat on my husband. i'm not the perfect army wife, but i am a real army wife.
as each day passes, i can tell you exactly how many more until my husband deploys for his fourth time. each night i lay awake because my anxiety keeps my mind racing, worrying what i'll do if i become 'one of them.' i've heard taps played twice, watched the folded flag be laid in the arms of friends and clutched our son tightly as the smoke cleared from the 21-gun salute. nothing can prepare you to comfort a friend and their family when their life has been shattered, not even the care team training.
i started writing a blog, survivingmydeployment.blogspot.com, to clear my head and somewhere along the way i collected stories from my sisters, my pillars of strength that i now pass on to those who walk in our shoes for the first time. each week i type away on my blackberry a check-up for those, many i've never met, who are currently surviving their deployment. all little things i wish someone had done for me. and yet things you can't prepare yourself for until you're there, in their shoes.
in the three short years we've been together, we've spent more time apart then together. this will the first year ever that we actually celebrate every holiday between labor day and valentine's day according to the calendar without sending a single flat rate box. sure, it's a life we knew we'd have. heck, we spent 12 hours on our first date talking about it. but nothing can prepare you for this life. how do you prepare to change your wedding date because 'duty called?' how do you enjoy your pregnancy knowing that 5 weeks later the first-time dad will miss the next 15 months of your son's life? how do you prepare to handle the changes you will all experiences?
you can't prepare for this life, but you can get up each day and make the most of it. between balancing a daily schedule that involves play dates for our 2 year old, household chores, frg meetings, and just living, i struggle, but i'm learning to deal. and even after taking every class offered about ptsd and suicide, nothing can prepare you for it until it's on your doorstep. but you learn to deal, because even though he changed, you changed too and i can't stop loving him.
as the minutes tick away, you try hard not to cry. you smile, you pose for what could be your last pictures together. you just become numb. you watch him board the white bus with the rest of his soldiers in the midst of the cool night and watch them drive away, praying it won't be the last time you see him alive. and then you clutch to your phone for the next three days praying for any word from him. if you're fortunate enough, he'll pass through bangor, maine, and maybe they snapped a pictures of him as he was greeted by those amazing veterans and americans. until he reaches his destination, i'm a mess, on the inside. you build a routine, you keep busy, and you avoid the news at all cost. between the last 'good-bye' and 'i'll be seeing you in my dreams tonight,' you keep his words echoing in your head, 'it's just a few months out of a lifetime.'
as the weeks pass and you've built your routine, you countdown until r&r, making plans, picking out the perfect outfit, and planning a surprise at the airport for him. the next 18 days fly by way too fast. i don't think i've ever taken that many pictures of them, my husband and our then 7-month-old son, in their entire short time together. and then comes one of the hardest days ever. you have to take him back to the airport and watch him leave, again. and what made it harder this time around was our son standing at the terminal window crying as we watched his plane taxi away. i cried for over an hour in the car that day. then begins the countdown again. this time to homecoming. only 8 more months to go.
finally you cling to the phone again, counting down the hours, praying the sandstorms don't delay their flights, again. you wait in the crowded gym with the air stuffy, filled with excitement and sadness, knowing that some of those you sent off won't be coming home, not this way. the doors finally fling open, a roar comes over all of you and you finally see his scruffy face with his over-grown fro under his patrol cap. he runs toward you, you throw yours arms around him, squishing your now 15-month-old son, and not noticing the horrible smell of 3 day unbathenedness. on the inside i've been praying our son takes to him quickly. at first, it seemed like we would have a long struggle, but by bath time that night, it seemed like they had picked up right where they had left off. and then begins the reintegration.
he reads parent magazine in between suicide briefings and psychological screenings. as he's learning everyday how to be a father, he also struggles with isolating himself from us, knoiwng that in a short time he will be deploying again, leaving us alone again with only a webcam and care packages to stay in touch. it's tough, giving back all those responsibilities you had to take on during the deploying. while we try to get comfortable with the idea of being a 'family,' it's overwhelming, trying to give him more control again and yet giving him all the time he needs to take on those responsibilities. we moved shortly after my husband came home, twice actually, adding a heap of stress that others didn't have to take on.
over time i too isolate, or rather make myself so busy, that i don't have time to feel the pain or the anxiety anymore. i cry in the shower nearly everyday. sometimes i take my valium and percicoit, prescribed for my back injury, to help me 'relax, calm the anxiety.' i waited for months to see a mental health specialist; partially afraid that my 'weakness' would hinder my husband's progress, mentally and professionally, and partially because i was just 'too busy.' it's ironic, we're army and it was my air force family provider who was the one who noticed my anxiety and referred, 10 months after my husband had come home.
my husband and i aren't the only ones struggling. our 2 year old son cries each morning, clinging to my husband's leg as he leaves for work, convinced that today might be the day he leaves again to return to the webcam. i would expect him to experience separation anxiety with me, the one constant in his life thus far. when we're on post, he 'searches' every uniform for daddy. we visit my husband at work at least once a week to have lunch with him, each time ending with a few tears in our son's eyes and a face of anxiety and wonderment, will this be the last time i see daddy. the sound of 'taps,' backfire and even fireworks scare our son more then the average toddler.
it's not an easy life. it's not a life you can prepare for. it's not a life that most 27 year olds live, but it's our life. we're the fortunate ones. we have an amazing support unit that we've surrounded ourselves with. between our parents, all with prior service to the military as soldiers, spouses, or civilian contractors, our siblings who are our leaning posts, and our best friend who call me out of the blue every few weeks to make sure we're okay while my husband is deployed. i have also sought out encouragement and strength from my online friends, nearly all who i've never met, but never let me down when i need encouragement. it's the support unit that has helped us through all of the deployment cycles. and without them, you're setting yourself up for a failure, for more struggles then you need.
so i may never make it on the cover of 'military spouses' magazine or sit before congress and speak on the behalf of all my sisters-in-arms, but the little things i do make me a real army wife with real struggles and real moments that make it all worth it.
jackie
army
2 deployments
ten years ago i was just a girl who fell in love with a soldier. ten years later that soldier is my husband, the father of our children. ten years later i have walked through more military separations than i can count. we have survived 2 deployments, one in iraq, one in afghanistan. one wedding nearly missed due to the call to assist in post hurricane katrina efforts. one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year is what you hear on the guard commericals. the real story is that this is a real life, full of unforeseen natural disasters, politically debated wars, tears and heartaches, gut wrenching good-byes and sweet reunions.
i will never forget finding out that my husband was being deployed while i was pregnant with our first child. the excitement over the birth of our son became clouded with nerves and sympathetic glances. i was sitting in the meeting at my husband's armory when the news came crashing down. the families had been invited to come to a sunday afternoon meeting. we knew there was the possibility of a deployment on the horizon. it was spring 2007 and i came expecting to hear about military family activities or information on benefits. nothing prepared me to hear my husband's commander confirm our fears; your husbands are being deployed. 'later this fall they will leave for training, they should get leave before deploying overseas. they will be stationed in southern iraq. we don't know what the mission is, the dates may change but the deployment is inevitable.'
rob left when our son was 10 days old. i drove him the armory early in the morning and said good-bye. i felt almost numb by that point. all of the fear and nerves and tension were released because we were finally here. max had arrived and rob had left, this was to be our life for the next year. in that moment i accepted the deployment for the first time. i realized i could sink or swim and because i had a tiny human nestled in his car seat behind me i had to swim. i was a first time mom full of post patrum emotions and anxiety. we made it through that deployment, minute by minute, day by day. in my darkest hours as i sat rocking our son in the darkened nursery, i could do nothing more than cry out to God for answers. i wanted to know why we were enduring this separation, why it had to be in this timing. i clung to my faith and my pride in my husband like a life preserver in a raging sea. at times it was all i could do to keep my head above water.
today i am thankful. thankful that deployments are behind us, a memory that has become just another part of our story. i am thankful for hte military wives who comforted me through the pain of separation, many of whom i have never met in real life, our stories intermingled through our blogs and written in tears. i am thankful that my husband came home, safe, alive, albeit changed. we struggled through reintegration as we tried to remember how to be us, as rob learned how to be a dad, as max learned who this soldier was, his daddy. we are not perfect, we are not certain what the future holds, we wait with baited breath to hear the news again, but most importantly we are here, together, stronger than before, proud of our sacrifices to maintain the glory of this great country and humbled that we can call ourselves part of this story, the story of the united states armed forces.
jesi
national guard
2 deployments
i have known my husband my whole life. it is a love story that i didn't know about until 6 years ago. our fairytale starts out with our grandparents, who lived across the street from each other for 40 + years. our moms graduated high school together. and his middle sister and i are three weeks apart in age. i had never really thought of him as more than just a friend until then, the first time he deployed. i thought he had left the country without actually telling me good-bye, leaving me heart-broken. i wrote him a heart-felt email pretty much professing my new found love for him. then, the shock, he called and said i was crazy ad he would never leave without calling me. a month later, from iraq, he asked if we could start dating. just over year later we were married and it was that beginning of my fairytale.
while i was planning my wedding, i found of group of women on theknot.com, military brides. these women understood and knew what i was going through, planning a wedding while my future husband was serving our country. i was finishing graduate school in oklahoma while my fiance` was stationed in florida. these ladies soon became some of my best friends. we continue our friendship now, as married military spouses on a more private, safer board. my military friends know what i am going through when my husband is working long hours or has to go away for training for months on no end. they know how to answer all the military questions that nobody else can fill you in on, everything from how to get your id card to what is going on with deers/ tricare. last september, one of these pillars of strength lost her fiance`, something that is always in the back of my mind, of all of our minds. you couldn't have a better support group, of ladies you've never met, to hold and guide you through this life. we decided to do whatever we could to support her through out the year. from cards, to books, to trips to the spa, just to let her know we were and still are thinking of her. her fiance` gave the ultimate sacrifice and for that i will always be grateful. this past month we had our first big get together, with nearly two dozen of us showing up with our heroes and our children. the women are the people i cry to on a bad day, or the first ones i can call on when my husband is on his way home.
my husband and i have been lucky in that in our almost 5 years of marriage, come new year's eve it'll be 5 years, we haven't had another deployment. in that time we have lived in four states, had a baby girl and switched from the air force to the army. we are now in the midst of our first 'year-long' army deployment. in reality, when my husband finally comes home again, he will have been gone for 15 months; three months training at a different duty station from us and then 12 months overseas. this will be the hardest, but most gratifying year of my life. gratifying? i never would have thought i would be a 'geographical single mom,' dealing with the house, car and everything else, while worrying about my husband and his safety. we will get through this and be a stronger couple for what we have been through. as a couple we had had to find new ways to express our love and in that our love has grown stronger each day.
when he finally arrives back home, he will have 10 year left with the military. my husband is a 'lifer' and for the men and women who chose this career path i am so grateful. the military has its ups and its downs, but what job and what life doesn't?
heather
army
2 deployments
the oprah show wants to hear what it's like to be a real-life army wife. is your husband currently deployed? has your husband just returned home? has he been on multiple tours? what do you know about his experience in iraq or afghanistan? how does it feel to have your husband oversears for months at a time? what is it like when he returns home? has his time overseas strengthened your relationship? or have you found you've grown apart and fight more often?
do you feel like your husband is a different man now than he was before the war? is he having trouble sleeping? controlling his anger? reconnecting with the kids? being social? is he having flashbacks? drinking a lot? addicted to pain-killers or other drugs? what is the best and worst part about being an army wife?
i don't own a 'hump bar' or any other business. i don't recent my husband's job, what i don't nor will ever know about it, or the fact that his career will always come before mine. i have never, nor will i ever cheat on my husband. i'm not the perfect army wife, but i am a real army wife.
as each day passes, i can tell you exactly how many more until my husband deploys for his fourth time. each night i lay awake because my anxiety keeps my mind racing, worrying what i'll do if i become 'one of them.' i've heard taps played twice, watched the folded flag be laid in the arms of friends and clutched our son tightly as the smoke cleared from the 21-gun salute. nothing can prepare you to comfort a friend and their family when their life has been shattered, not even the care team training.
i started writing a blog, survivingmydeployment.blogspot.com, to clear my head and somewhere along the way i collected stories from my sisters, my pillars of strength that i now pass on to those who walk in our shoes for the first time. each week i type away on my blackberry a check-up for those, many i've never met, who are currently surviving their deployment. all little things i wish someone had done for me. and yet things you can't prepare yourself for until you're there, in their shoes.
in the three short years we've been together, we've spent more time apart then together. this will the first year ever that we actually celebrate every holiday between labor day and valentine's day according to the calendar without sending a single flat rate box. sure, it's a life we knew we'd have. heck, we spent 12 hours on our first date talking about it. but nothing can prepare you for this life. how do you prepare to change your wedding date because 'duty called?' how do you enjoy your pregnancy knowing that 5 weeks later the first-time dad will miss the next 15 months of your son's life? how do you prepare to handle the changes you will all experiences?
you can't prepare for this life, but you can get up each day and make the most of it. between balancing a daily schedule that involves play dates for our 2 year old, household chores, frg meetings, and just living, i struggle, but i'm learning to deal. and even after taking every class offered about ptsd and suicide, nothing can prepare you for it until it's on your doorstep. but you learn to deal, because even though he changed, you changed too and i can't stop loving him.
as the minutes tick away, you try hard not to cry. you smile, you pose for what could be your last pictures together. you just become numb. you watch him board the white bus with the rest of his soldiers in the midst of the cool night and watch them drive away, praying it won't be the last time you see him alive. and then you clutch to your phone for the next three days praying for any word from him. if you're fortunate enough, he'll pass through bangor, maine, and maybe they snapped a pictures of him as he was greeted by those amazing veterans and americans. until he reaches his destination, i'm a mess, on the inside. you build a routine, you keep busy, and you avoid the news at all cost. between the last 'good-bye' and 'i'll be seeing you in my dreams tonight,' you keep his words echoing in your head, 'it's just a few months out of a lifetime.'
as the weeks pass and you've built your routine, you countdown until r&r, making plans, picking out the perfect outfit, and planning a surprise at the airport for him. the next 18 days fly by way too fast. i don't think i've ever taken that many pictures of them, my husband and our then 7-month-old son, in their entire short time together. and then comes one of the hardest days ever. you have to take him back to the airport and watch him leave, again. and what made it harder this time around was our son standing at the terminal window crying as we watched his plane taxi away. i cried for over an hour in the car that day. then begins the countdown again. this time to homecoming. only 8 more months to go.
finally you cling to the phone again, counting down the hours, praying the sandstorms don't delay their flights, again. you wait in the crowded gym with the air stuffy, filled with excitement and sadness, knowing that some of those you sent off won't be coming home, not this way. the doors finally fling open, a roar comes over all of you and you finally see his scruffy face with his over-grown fro under his patrol cap. he runs toward you, you throw yours arms around him, squishing your now 15-month-old son, and not noticing the horrible smell of 3 day unbathenedness. on the inside i've been praying our son takes to him quickly. at first, it seemed like we would have a long struggle, but by bath time that night, it seemed like they had picked up right where they had left off. and then begins the reintegration.
he reads parent magazine in between suicide briefings and psychological screenings. as he's learning everyday how to be a father, he also struggles with isolating himself from us, knoiwng that in a short time he will be deploying again, leaving us alone again with only a webcam and care packages to stay in touch. it's tough, giving back all those responsibilities you had to take on during the deploying. while we try to get comfortable with the idea of being a 'family,' it's overwhelming, trying to give him more control again and yet giving him all the time he needs to take on those responsibilities. we moved shortly after my husband came home, twice actually, adding a heap of stress that others didn't have to take on.
over time i too isolate, or rather make myself so busy, that i don't have time to feel the pain or the anxiety anymore. i cry in the shower nearly everyday. sometimes i take my valium and percicoit, prescribed for my back injury, to help me 'relax, calm the anxiety.' i waited for months to see a mental health specialist; partially afraid that my 'weakness' would hinder my husband's progress, mentally and professionally, and partially because i was just 'too busy.' it's ironic, we're army and it was my air force family provider who was the one who noticed my anxiety and referred, 10 months after my husband had come home.
my husband and i aren't the only ones struggling. our 2 year old son cries each morning, clinging to my husband's leg as he leaves for work, convinced that today might be the day he leaves again to return to the webcam. i would expect him to experience separation anxiety with me, the one constant in his life thus far. when we're on post, he 'searches' every uniform for daddy. we visit my husband at work at least once a week to have lunch with him, each time ending with a few tears in our son's eyes and a face of anxiety and wonderment, will this be the last time i see daddy. the sound of 'taps,' backfire and even fireworks scare our son more then the average toddler.
it's not an easy life. it's not a life you can prepare for. it's not a life that most 27 year olds live, but it's our life. we're the fortunate ones. we have an amazing support unit that we've surrounded ourselves with. between our parents, all with prior service to the military as soldiers, spouses, or civilian contractors, our siblings who are our leaning posts, and our best friend who call me out of the blue every few weeks to make sure we're okay while my husband is deployed. i have also sought out encouragement and strength from my online friends, nearly all who i've never met, but never let me down when i need encouragement. it's the support unit that has helped us through all of the deployment cycles. and without them, you're setting yourself up for a failure, for more struggles then you need.
so i may never make it on the cover of 'military spouses' magazine or sit before congress and speak on the behalf of all my sisters-in-arms, but the little things i do make me a real army wife with real struggles and real moments that make it all worth it.
jackie
army
2 deployments
ten years ago i was just a girl who fell in love with a soldier. ten years later that soldier is my husband, the father of our children. ten years later i have walked through more military separations than i can count. we have survived 2 deployments, one in iraq, one in afghanistan. one wedding nearly missed due to the call to assist in post hurricane katrina efforts. one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year is what you hear on the guard commericals. the real story is that this is a real life, full of unforeseen natural disasters, politically debated wars, tears and heartaches, gut wrenching good-byes and sweet reunions.
i will never forget finding out that my husband was being deployed while i was pregnant with our first child. the excitement over the birth of our son became clouded with nerves and sympathetic glances. i was sitting in the meeting at my husband's armory when the news came crashing down. the families had been invited to come to a sunday afternoon meeting. we knew there was the possibility of a deployment on the horizon. it was spring 2007 and i came expecting to hear about military family activities or information on benefits. nothing prepared me to hear my husband's commander confirm our fears; your husbands are being deployed. 'later this fall they will leave for training, they should get leave before deploying overseas. they will be stationed in southern iraq. we don't know what the mission is, the dates may change but the deployment is inevitable.'
rob left when our son was 10 days old. i drove him the armory early in the morning and said good-bye. i felt almost numb by that point. all of the fear and nerves and tension were released because we were finally here. max had arrived and rob had left, this was to be our life for the next year. in that moment i accepted the deployment for the first time. i realized i could sink or swim and because i had a tiny human nestled in his car seat behind me i had to swim. i was a first time mom full of post patrum emotions and anxiety. we made it through that deployment, minute by minute, day by day. in my darkest hours as i sat rocking our son in the darkened nursery, i could do nothing more than cry out to God for answers. i wanted to know why we were enduring this separation, why it had to be in this timing. i clung to my faith and my pride in my husband like a life preserver in a raging sea. at times it was all i could do to keep my head above water.
today i am thankful. thankful that deployments are behind us, a memory that has become just another part of our story. i am thankful for hte military wives who comforted me through the pain of separation, many of whom i have never met in real life, our stories intermingled through our blogs and written in tears. i am thankful that my husband came home, safe, alive, albeit changed. we struggled through reintegration as we tried to remember how to be us, as rob learned how to be a dad, as max learned who this soldier was, his daddy. we are not perfect, we are not certain what the future holds, we wait with baited breath to hear the news again, but most importantly we are here, together, stronger than before, proud of our sacrifices to maintain the glory of this great country and humbled that we can call ourselves part of this story, the story of the united states armed forces.
jesi
national guard
2 deployments
i have known my husband my whole life. it is a love story that i didn't know about until 6 years ago. our fairytale starts out with our grandparents, who lived across the street from each other for 40 + years. our moms graduated high school together. and his middle sister and i are three weeks apart in age. i had never really thought of him as more than just a friend until then, the first time he deployed. i thought he had left the country without actually telling me good-bye, leaving me heart-broken. i wrote him a heart-felt email pretty much professing my new found love for him. then, the shock, he called and said i was crazy ad he would never leave without calling me. a month later, from iraq, he asked if we could start dating. just over year later we were married and it was that beginning of my fairytale.
while i was planning my wedding, i found of group of women on theknot.com, military brides. these women understood and knew what i was going through, planning a wedding while my future husband was serving our country. i was finishing graduate school in oklahoma while my fiance` was stationed in florida. these ladies soon became some of my best friends. we continue our friendship now, as married military spouses on a more private, safer board. my military friends know what i am going through when my husband is working long hours or has to go away for training for months on no end. they know how to answer all the military questions that nobody else can fill you in on, everything from how to get your id card to what is going on with deers/ tricare. last september, one of these pillars of strength lost her fiance`, something that is always in the back of my mind, of all of our minds. you couldn't have a better support group, of ladies you've never met, to hold and guide you through this life. we decided to do whatever we could to support her through out the year. from cards, to books, to trips to the spa, just to let her know we were and still are thinking of her. her fiance` gave the ultimate sacrifice and for that i will always be grateful. this past month we had our first big get together, with nearly two dozen of us showing up with our heroes and our children. the women are the people i cry to on a bad day, or the first ones i can call on when my husband is on his way home.
my husband and i have been lucky in that in our almost 5 years of marriage, come new year's eve it'll be 5 years, we haven't had another deployment. in that time we have lived in four states, had a baby girl and switched from the air force to the army. we are now in the midst of our first 'year-long' army deployment. in reality, when my husband finally comes home again, he will have been gone for 15 months; three months training at a different duty station from us and then 12 months overseas. this will be the hardest, but most gratifying year of my life. gratifying? i never would have thought i would be a 'geographical single mom,' dealing with the house, car and everything else, while worrying about my husband and his safety. we will get through this and be a stronger couple for what we have been through. as a couple we had had to find new ways to express our love and in that our love has grown stronger each day.
when he finally arrives back home, he will have 10 year left with the military. my husband is a 'lifer' and for the men and women who chose this career path i am so grateful. the military has its ups and its downs, but what job and what life doesn't?
heather
army
2 deployments
Saturday, October 31, 2009
and then came the holidays
with a flip of the calendar page, it comes upon. three major holidays one after the other. one at the end of each month. how on earth are you going to make it through this whirlwind of traditions, special moments and bittersweet moments you'll have to spend without your loved one?
take a deep breathe and remember what makes these days so special. not the date on the calendar, but being with the ones you love the most. and with that said, no one every said you could not trick-or-treat in march or eat turkey in july or have christmas in august. it's up to you and your loved one to decide how you will celebrate these holidays, but here are a few ways we managed.
our first thanksgiving together, my then boyfriend was stuck in afghanstain. so, i packed him a box with Jones turkey soda and those gummy fruit thanksgiving dinners you find at target and had my students make turkey handprints and made sure that he knew just how thankful we were for him and all of his soldiers. he returned home a few weeks later and we had our thanksgiving dinner then. sure, it was the middle of december on the calendar, but to us, it was thanksgiving.
a year later my husband and the father of our newborn son was gearing up to leave again. we had thanksgiving according to the calendar, but a few days later we did christmas. we put the tree, unwrapped our christmas pjs and watched our favorite christmas movies, even though it was only november. i had made a deal with him that when he would return home, 15 months older, we'd still have the tree up so that we could celebrate the christmas he would miss. so, 14 months later (he came home early), we picked him up, did our thanksgiving in january and the following weekend had our christmas, in january.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
the holidays are always the hardest during a deployment, which most of us already know being through it a few times already. but for those going through it for the first time ever, i say having damily and friends around always helps. i've been through 3 deployments and with each one having my family around during the holidays made it a little more bearable. if family isn't/can't be around, then gather your friends who are in the same boat as you and enjoy the holidays together, because we all know that family isn't just brothers, sisters, moms and dads when your an army wife.. it's any wife who is alone due to deployment.
stacy
army
3 deployments
take a deep breathe and remember what makes these days so special. not the date on the calendar, but being with the ones you love the most. and with that said, no one every said you could not trick-or-treat in march or eat turkey in july or have christmas in august. it's up to you and your loved one to decide how you will celebrate these holidays, but here are a few ways we managed.
our first thanksgiving together, my then boyfriend was stuck in afghanstain. so, i packed him a box with Jones turkey soda and those gummy fruit thanksgiving dinners you find at target and had my students make turkey handprints and made sure that he knew just how thankful we were for him and all of his soldiers. he returned home a few weeks later and we had our thanksgiving dinner then. sure, it was the middle of december on the calendar, but to us, it was thanksgiving.
a year later my husband and the father of our newborn son was gearing up to leave again. we had thanksgiving according to the calendar, but a few days later we did christmas. we put the tree, unwrapped our christmas pjs and watched our favorite christmas movies, even though it was only november. i had made a deal with him that when he would return home, 15 months older, we'd still have the tree up so that we could celebrate the christmas he would miss. so, 14 months later (he came home early), we picked him up, did our thanksgiving in january and the following weekend had our christmas, in january.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
the holidays are always the hardest during a deployment, which most of us already know being through it a few times already. but for those going through it for the first time ever, i say having damily and friends around always helps. i've been through 3 deployments and with each one having my family around during the holidays made it a little more bearable. if family isn't/can't be around, then gather your friends who are in the same boat as you and enjoy the holidays together, because we all know that family isn't just brothers, sisters, moms and dads when your an army wife.. it's any wife who is alone due to deployment.
stacy
army
3 deployments
spend the holidays with all the friends and family you can. consider video taping the holiday so that you can send it to your hero overseas so that they can feel apart of it. if possible, save the gift unwrapping for when your hero can be on the webcam and share in the excitement. stay strong throughout because sometimes the soldier gets a bit grouchy and doesn't want to talk about it and it's usually because of the holidays and having to miss out.
lauren
army
2 deployments
ideas for care packages:
for halloween:
- trick-or-treat bucket with goodies
- halloween decorations
- fake pumpkin that can be carved (check Michael's)
- a desktop scarecrow
- a box of leaves from the front yard
for thanksgiving:
- Jones soda in various thanksgiving favorite flavors
- gummy-fruit thanksgiving dinner
- handprint turkeys
- thankful turkey: make a construction paper turkey and on each feather write all the things that you are thankful that year
for christmas:
- countdown calendar to christmas (either buy one from the commissary or make your own with special little treats like love notes or trinkets)
- mini tree and ornaments (you can make your own ornaments, think pictures, to personalize it)
- make your own stocking and stuff it
- do your own 12 days of christmas
- holiday boudoir pictures are always a nice little something to tuck into a book
- homemade cookies are always nice (don't forget to put a slice of bread in to keep them moist)
- and don't forget the hot cocoa mix with marshmallows (paint your own mug)
- send party hats and poppers, but remember to keep one for yourself so you can ring in the new years together (twice)
- Welch's sparkling grape juice is a nice substitute for champagne
- 365 love resolutions (love notes)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
to help you make it through these days, that's why
i decided after seeing the countless questions posted on message boards and after seeing the lost and confused faces all over post to finally put together a little survival guide for those facing a deployment. whether it's your first deployment or your seventh, each is difficult and each is different. i've asked some of the smartest people i know, military spouses, how they dealt with and survived their deployments. below you will find a collection of personal experiences to guide you through your deployment. and if you have questions, feel free to ask them. because as they say, there are no dumb questions but the ones that are not asked. we hope that our experiences can help you with your experience.
that day
you knew that day was coming. you knew from the moment he told you he was a marine. the moment he told you he was a soldier. the moment he told you he was an airmen. the moment he told you he was a sailor. someday, he would walk through the door and tell you he's been called up, been given orders, been told he's shipping out. no matter what he says, you feel the air becoming thinner, it's hard to breathe. the tears are welling up in your eyes. you told yourself this day would come, but never thought it come now.
i remember the day like it was yesterday. i had my interview with the principal of the la-4 program and was offered the teaching position. i was over the moon and couldn't wait to share my excitement with aaron. when he called at lunch, i wanted to tell him, but kept mum until dinner. i could tell in his voice something was up, but he wouldn't say. that night over dinner he told me: 'they want me to deploy and catch up with my unit. since i've got combat experience, they could use my help.' suddenly my news of a new job just didn't seem that relevant anymore. that was the first deployment for us together. he would deploy three weeks later.
the second time around i remember getting the phone call while at a ladies' coffee at the commander's house! he called from the field (usually when they go to jrtc it's a dead give away that orders are to follow). he told me that they had been attached and could leave as early as mid-april. that was just four weeks away! what about our september wedding? what about 12 months dwell time? what about our plans? as i hung up the phone i tried hard to fake a smile. i wondered if any of the wives at the coffee knew yet.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
this second deployment we knew was coming for a long time. so, i had a lot of time to cope. although, when it came closer, i had many panic attacks.
the first deployment we both found out while we were out to dinner for our valentine's dinner. we were at a nice place- hubby just got out of a school and was able to come visit me. we knew he was going to viriginia, but a lady called with his orders and he answered and she said he was leaving in five days for his deployment, but he had to report in the morning to his unit in virginia. i saw his face and knew something was up. he told me and i cried. we left carrabbas and went to my house and stayed up until 5am watching movies and talking. i was devastated but i coped with the help of my mom and friends.
dropping him off at the bus station the next morning was so hard. there were a bunch of women on the bus who saw me crying and his bags and they all cried. they tried to cheer him up the whole ride to the airport, but then they had him crying too. two days later he took a 13 hr bus ride up to new jersey just to spend a few hours with me and to ask me to marry him. and then he boarded the bus to head back to virginia. and then he was gone.
kym
army
1 deployment
the first deployment we both knew it was coming. as soon as he graduated from soi and found out his unit, we knew it was only a matter of time.
i had a lot of time to prepare for it, but the anticipation was much worse than the actual deployment.
the first deployment, i was a mess. i didn't really cope and i made no effort to distract myself. let me tell you what NOT to do. do not watch the news constantly, do not stalk news websites looking for information on his unit, and do not stay home all day, everyday. do get out of the house. don't be afraid to leave your computer and keep your cell on you at all times.
the second deployment was more of a shock to both of us. his company was due to be the remain behind element for his deployment. about six months before he was scheduled to deploy, we ofund out he was moving companies and would be deploying after all. the anticipation of the deployment was still just as bad. but don't believe those people who tell you that it can't and won't get get easier.
this time around i've kept busy. i haven't been chained to my laptop and i'm not afraid to go out and have fun. the separation is still hard, but this deployment is much better than the first. look at it as an opportunity to grow and not as a time of sadness.
leah lou
marines
2 deployments
i remember the day like it was yesterday. i had my interview with the principal of the la-4 program and was offered the teaching position. i was over the moon and couldn't wait to share my excitement with aaron. when he called at lunch, i wanted to tell him, but kept mum until dinner. i could tell in his voice something was up, but he wouldn't say. that night over dinner he told me: 'they want me to deploy and catch up with my unit. since i've got combat experience, they could use my help.' suddenly my news of a new job just didn't seem that relevant anymore. that was the first deployment for us together. he would deploy three weeks later.
the second time around i remember getting the phone call while at a ladies' coffee at the commander's house! he called from the field (usually when they go to jrtc it's a dead give away that orders are to follow). he told me that they had been attached and could leave as early as mid-april. that was just four weeks away! what about our september wedding? what about 12 months dwell time? what about our plans? as i hung up the phone i tried hard to fake a smile. i wondered if any of the wives at the coffee knew yet.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
this second deployment we knew was coming for a long time. so, i had a lot of time to cope. although, when it came closer, i had many panic attacks.
the first deployment we both found out while we were out to dinner for our valentine's dinner. we were at a nice place- hubby just got out of a school and was able to come visit me. we knew he was going to viriginia, but a lady called with his orders and he answered and she said he was leaving in five days for his deployment, but he had to report in the morning to his unit in virginia. i saw his face and knew something was up. he told me and i cried. we left carrabbas and went to my house and stayed up until 5am watching movies and talking. i was devastated but i coped with the help of my mom and friends.
dropping him off at the bus station the next morning was so hard. there were a bunch of women on the bus who saw me crying and his bags and they all cried. they tried to cheer him up the whole ride to the airport, but then they had him crying too. two days later he took a 13 hr bus ride up to new jersey just to spend a few hours with me and to ask me to marry him. and then he boarded the bus to head back to virginia. and then he was gone.
kym
army
1 deployment
the first deployment we both knew it was coming. as soon as he graduated from soi and found out his unit, we knew it was only a matter of time.
i had a lot of time to prepare for it, but the anticipation was much worse than the actual deployment.
the first deployment, i was a mess. i didn't really cope and i made no effort to distract myself. let me tell you what NOT to do. do not watch the news constantly, do not stalk news websites looking for information on his unit, and do not stay home all day, everyday. do get out of the house. don't be afraid to leave your computer and keep your cell on you at all times.
the second deployment was more of a shock to both of us. his company was due to be the remain behind element for his deployment. about six months before he was scheduled to deploy, we ofund out he was moving companies and would be deploying after all. the anticipation of the deployment was still just as bad. but don't believe those people who tell you that it can't and won't get get easier.
this time around i've kept busy. i haven't been chained to my laptop and i'm not afraid to go out and have fun. the separation is still hard, but this deployment is much better than the first. look at it as an opportunity to grow and not as a time of sadness.
leah lou
marines
2 deployments
now what
so now that you know he's going and you have a general idea of when, which can and probably will change a few times, what are you suppose to do with what time you have left together?
hubby was in germany and i was stateside so i went and visited for a long weekend. we aren't your typical scenario at all though. i did make him a photo book to take with him and we enjoyed what time we did have together, like a mini vacation.
jenann
army
1 deployment
with it being our second deployment, i was trying to look for all the little freedoms that came with it. it sounds selfish, but it will be only be in the house for a year. so, i kept thinking about having the whole bed to myself, eating what i wanted to when i wanted to, not having to check his schedule to make plans, less laundry, don't have to listen to him snore or chew.
we knew six months before he was deploying so we really didn't change anything. as we approached the final three months until he leaves, we started to care more about spending time together. we played the wii together after work, we planned a vacation to take before he went.
shelley
army
2 deployments
we were apart before the deployment for too long due to the rumors of another deployment looming and my anxiety over leaving my job and being some place new without any support. don't do this!
i wish more than anything i would have just moved up there, got settled and had my own life instead of being at home and being half-way in between married life and life before marriage. it's not a very fun place to be in and it also is making things more difficult in the long run because now i'm moving by myself without any help and will still be up there awhile alone before he comes home.
it also had made the whole thing terribly long. our 12 month deployment will be at least two years by the time it's all said and done and mostly because i was hanging on to what i knew as long as i could.
i also spend way too much time stressing over things that really did not matter before deployment. i was fretting over who will be there and not getting enough time with my hubby when in the end it all worked out. i definitely learned that usually anticipation of everything is 100 times worse than when it actually happens.
smailey
army
2 deployments
when my hubby found out, it was something we knew pretty soon after he got back from iraq the first time. he was stateside for about 10 months and we spent a lot of time together. the days approaching were really blurry, i don't remember much because he was packing and doing the final preparations. we also had only been married for three weeks when he left for his assignment for south korea.
sgt s wifey
army
1 deployment
we knew during the last deployment that they would be leaving again. we had a year between deployments but he also had a ton of training where he was gone for weeks at a time. we just tried to do as much as a family as we could. we didn't really do anything we would have done anyways though. we knew we would be in germany longer due to the deployment.
he left a few days after thanksgiving. we were going to have a small dinner with just the four of us but decided to invite some of the single guys so they didn't spend their last holiday before deployment alone. it was great that they all had fun hanging out one last time before deploying. with him leaving december 4th, we opted not to do christmas early because hubby wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them. he didn't want the christmas tree up either before he left. this made me mad, but he later explained he just didn't want to see all the christmas stuff up and know that he was going to miss christmas with me and the kids.
i always just try and cherish the time we have before he leaves. i try not to let the little things get to me the few weeks before he leaves. those last few weeks can be kind of awkward for us. we both just get stressed and everything. i hate watching him pack.
jamie renee
2 deployments
for our first deployment there wasn't much time between him receiving his orders and him actually deploying. and i was way busy with starting my new teaching job and he was super busy getting things together for his deployment (he had just come of a deployment earlier in the year). however, we did go away for the weekend prior to his deployment for some 'us' time. i tried so hard to enjoy myself and my time with him, but all i could think about was that tuesday morning i would drop him off and get my very last kiss for who knows how long.
for our second deployment, the initial orders were canceled while we were on our honeymoon (we had to move up our wedding and honeymoon in case he really was going in mid-april) which was a blessing and a curse. now we had to go through the whole 'wait and wonder' for orders. at the same time i was pregnant with our son. when the orders finally came, they were cut for a few weeks after my due date. it made my entire pregnancy a hellish emotional roller coaster. as if the hormones of pregnancy weren't enough, we knew that as soon as our son was born, my hubby would be leaving for 15 months. however, we promised ourselves to put it in the backs of our minds and make the most of our time together.
as the days of my delivery approached, hubby sat down and made a build-a-bear with a special voice recording for our son. he also recorded bedtime stories for our son. in the long run, i think they helped me more through the deployment. i worked on the scrapbook i sent in his duffel and i was sneaky about all the little love notes i hid in his gear and his duffels. as stressful as all the paperwork was and such, we made the most of the time. we had thanksgiving as normal, the three of us and set up our tree like we always did after thanksgiving dinner. knowing that hubby would miss the next two christmases, i promised him the tree would be up when he got home, as if he never left. i think this helped all of us (i did take it down in between).
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
hubby was in germany and i was stateside so i went and visited for a long weekend. we aren't your typical scenario at all though. i did make him a photo book to take with him and we enjoyed what time we did have together, like a mini vacation.
jenann
army
1 deployment
with it being our second deployment, i was trying to look for all the little freedoms that came with it. it sounds selfish, but it will be only be in the house for a year. so, i kept thinking about having the whole bed to myself, eating what i wanted to when i wanted to, not having to check his schedule to make plans, less laundry, don't have to listen to him snore or chew.
we knew six months before he was deploying so we really didn't change anything. as we approached the final three months until he leaves, we started to care more about spending time together. we played the wii together after work, we planned a vacation to take before he went.
shelley
army
2 deployments
we were apart before the deployment for too long due to the rumors of another deployment looming and my anxiety over leaving my job and being some place new without any support. don't do this!
i wish more than anything i would have just moved up there, got settled and had my own life instead of being at home and being half-way in between married life and life before marriage. it's not a very fun place to be in and it also is making things more difficult in the long run because now i'm moving by myself without any help and will still be up there awhile alone before he comes home.
it also had made the whole thing terribly long. our 12 month deployment will be at least two years by the time it's all said and done and mostly because i was hanging on to what i knew as long as i could.
i also spend way too much time stressing over things that really did not matter before deployment. i was fretting over who will be there and not getting enough time with my hubby when in the end it all worked out. i definitely learned that usually anticipation of everything is 100 times worse than when it actually happens.
smailey
army
2 deployments
when my hubby found out, it was something we knew pretty soon after he got back from iraq the first time. he was stateside for about 10 months and we spent a lot of time together. the days approaching were really blurry, i don't remember much because he was packing and doing the final preparations. we also had only been married for three weeks when he left for his assignment for south korea.
sgt s wifey
army
1 deployment
we knew during the last deployment that they would be leaving again. we had a year between deployments but he also had a ton of training where he was gone for weeks at a time. we just tried to do as much as a family as we could. we didn't really do anything we would have done anyways though. we knew we would be in germany longer due to the deployment.
he left a few days after thanksgiving. we were going to have a small dinner with just the four of us but decided to invite some of the single guys so they didn't spend their last holiday before deployment alone. it was great that they all had fun hanging out one last time before deploying. with him leaving december 4th, we opted not to do christmas early because hubby wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them. he didn't want the christmas tree up either before he left. this made me mad, but he later explained he just didn't want to see all the christmas stuff up and know that he was going to miss christmas with me and the kids.
i always just try and cherish the time we have before he leaves. i try not to let the little things get to me the few weeks before he leaves. those last few weeks can be kind of awkward for us. we both just get stressed and everything. i hate watching him pack.
jamie renee
2 deployments
for our first deployment there wasn't much time between him receiving his orders and him actually deploying. and i was way busy with starting my new teaching job and he was super busy getting things together for his deployment (he had just come of a deployment earlier in the year). however, we did go away for the weekend prior to his deployment for some 'us' time. i tried so hard to enjoy myself and my time with him, but all i could think about was that tuesday morning i would drop him off and get my very last kiss for who knows how long.
for our second deployment, the initial orders were canceled while we were on our honeymoon (we had to move up our wedding and honeymoon in case he really was going in mid-april) which was a blessing and a curse. now we had to go through the whole 'wait and wonder' for orders. at the same time i was pregnant with our son. when the orders finally came, they were cut for a few weeks after my due date. it made my entire pregnancy a hellish emotional roller coaster. as if the hormones of pregnancy weren't enough, we knew that as soon as our son was born, my hubby would be leaving for 15 months. however, we promised ourselves to put it in the backs of our minds and make the most of our time together.
as the days of my delivery approached, hubby sat down and made a build-a-bear with a special voice recording for our son. he also recorded bedtime stories for our son. in the long run, i think they helped me more through the deployment. i worked on the scrapbook i sent in his duffel and i was sneaky about all the little love notes i hid in his gear and his duffels. as stressful as all the paperwork was and such, we made the most of the time. we had thanksgiving as normal, the three of us and set up our tree like we always did after thanksgiving dinner. knowing that hubby would miss the next two christmases, i promised him the tree would be up when he got home, as if he never left. i think this helped all of us (i did take it down in between).
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
the day the white bus drove away (the ship left dock)
the day will come when his bags will no longer sit by the front door. the day will come when you check his uniform one last time to make sure everything is just right. the day will come when he drives one last time through post with you sitting next to him. the day will come when he boards the white bus and heads for his plane or crosses the jetty and bunks on his ship. it will be a roller coaster day. you'll be filled with pride because your husband is about to do the most dutiful and honorable thing. at the same time on the inside you'll feel like you're falling apart and your world has faded away. but, you know you will survive these next few months because they are only a few months out of a lifetime.
the day he was suppose to leave was very surreal. i took him to the squadron hq, said our good byes, and dropped him off. two hours later i get a call saying, 'never mind, come pick me up. not leaving until tomorrow.' so needless to say, it was an emotionally exhausting two days having to say 'good bye' twice. by the time he really left, i was just ready for him to go so we could start counting down to his coming home.
the he really ended up leaving, i went straight to work afterwards which was really good because i wasn't at home moping around alone. i'm glad i did that. then i also had a happy hour date with my girlfriends planned for that evening. so, by the time i got home that night, i was exhausted and ready for bed. going home alone for the first time is the hardest part but it was no biggie for me.
one thing i would have done differently when he left was not stay around the squadron hq on the day of the deployment until the last possible minute. it thought i didn't want to miss even a second with him, but in reality, it just dragged things out longer than they needed to.
aggie ashley
army
1 deployment
i didn't actually get to see him off at the bus, i had flown down the weekend before he left. he wanted it that way because he still had so much packing and running around to do before he left. plus, he had volunteered to go early so that really made things hairy...
anyways, so i flew out the weekend before, we spent every waking moment together just enjoying being together. his family didn't come down to see him or his brother off. so, i felt it necessary to be there with him (we had only been dating three months at this point).
he dropped me off at the airport and i was fine all throughout the weekend, no tears, nothing. then as were saying our 'good byes' and he's hugging me the last time for the next seven months, it just all hit me at once. i started to cry and man i couldn't stop. i was crying as i was checking into security and even when i boarded the plane to leave. ugh i t was so hard to say 'good bye.'
the thing that helped at the time was knowing that the good bye was only temporary (you have to always stay positive, never think what if this or that because that will drive you crazy). another thing that helped was i have this thing that i do every time i say good bye to him before he leaves: i write him love note(s) and hide them in his things. that way, he is looking for them after i leave them and it's a nice surprise for him that can read over and over. well, he's started to do the same for me and it's always so nice to have that. i also had one of his sweatshirts that smelled like him that i wore home on the plane and slept in.
merritt
marines
1 deployment
the day he was suppose to leave was very surreal. i took him to the squadron hq, said our good byes, and dropped him off. two hours later i get a call saying, 'never mind, come pick me up. not leaving until tomorrow.' so needless to say, it was an emotionally exhausting two days having to say 'good bye' twice. by the time he really left, i was just ready for him to go so we could start counting down to his coming home.
the he really ended up leaving, i went straight to work afterwards which was really good because i wasn't at home moping around alone. i'm glad i did that. then i also had a happy hour date with my girlfriends planned for that evening. so, by the time i got home that night, i was exhausted and ready for bed. going home alone for the first time is the hardest part but it was no biggie for me.
one thing i would have done differently when he left was not stay around the squadron hq on the day of the deployment until the last possible minute. it thought i didn't want to miss even a second with him, but in reality, it just dragged things out longer than they needed to.
aggie ashley
army
1 deployment
i didn't actually get to see him off at the bus, i had flown down the weekend before he left. he wanted it that way because he still had so much packing and running around to do before he left. plus, he had volunteered to go early so that really made things hairy...
anyways, so i flew out the weekend before, we spent every waking moment together just enjoying being together. his family didn't come down to see him or his brother off. so, i felt it necessary to be there with him (we had only been dating three months at this point).
he dropped me off at the airport and i was fine all throughout the weekend, no tears, nothing. then as were saying our 'good byes' and he's hugging me the last time for the next seven months, it just all hit me at once. i started to cry and man i couldn't stop. i was crying as i was checking into security and even when i boarded the plane to leave. ugh i t was so hard to say 'good bye.'
the thing that helped at the time was knowing that the good bye was only temporary (you have to always stay positive, never think what if this or that because that will drive you crazy). another thing that helped was i have this thing that i do every time i say good bye to him before he leaves: i write him love note(s) and hide them in his things. that way, he is looking for them after i leave them and it's a nice surprise for him that can read over and over. well, he's started to do the same for me and it's always so nice to have that. i also had one of his sweatshirts that smelled like him that i wore home on the plane and slept in.
merritt
marines
1 deployment
and he's gone, now what
you know exactly how many weeks, days, hours and even minutes it's been since you last kissed him. it's been just a few weeks now. there have been a few calls or emails, maybe a couple of webcam sessions, but what else are you suppose to do to make the next few months go by just a little bit faster?
keep busy! everyone will tell you, you need to keep busy. and it's so true. the busier you are, the faster the time goes. and as much as you want to keep track of every minute since he's been gone, don't! it will make it seem like forever. instead, make yourself little milestones to look forward to: girls' night out, vacation or a trip to see the family, the next paycheck. and another thing, don't feel guilty for living life while your husband is doing his job. your job is to carry on at home, which means living. yes, it sucks that he can't go with you to that concert, but take pictures and make your own concert dvd for him so he can have his own little concert over there. find ways to incorporate your hero rather then keeping yourself from life. and the news, you remember, the news is 48 hrs old. if you hear it on the news and the military hasn't contacted you, it's not him! so, keep busy, live life, and if they haven't contacted you, put down the brown paper bag and breath.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
keep busy! everyone will tell you, you need to keep busy. and it's so true. the busier you are, the faster the time goes. and as much as you want to keep track of every minute since he's been gone, don't! it will make it seem like forever. instead, make yourself little milestones to look forward to: girls' night out, vacation or a trip to see the family, the next paycheck. and another thing, don't feel guilty for living life while your husband is doing his job. your job is to carry on at home, which means living. yes, it sucks that he can't go with you to that concert, but take pictures and make your own concert dvd for him so he can have his own little concert over there. find ways to incorporate your hero rather then keeping yourself from life. and the news, you remember, the news is 48 hrs old. if you hear it on the news and the military hasn't contacted you, it's not him! so, keep busy, live life, and if they haven't contacted you, put down the brown paper bag and breath.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
the news and you
okay, so you can't avoid the news for the rest of the deployment. you will eventually have to find out the weather and the reviews for the new movie coming out. plus, you just can't crawl under a rock and hide and pretend nothing is happening in the world. so, when you do hear or read the news, remember, if the military hasn't contacted you, it's not your husband.
so the longest time i tried to only watch espn sportcenter and check the weather on the weather channel. well, that didn't last very long since i was teacher and my students wanted to know what was happening in the world and how it affected them. i learned from my mum, a retired military wife and veteran spouse of desert storm, that if the military hasn't contacted you personally, it's not your soldier they are talking about. so put down the brown paper bag, take the evening news for what it is and breathe normally.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
so the longest time i tried to only watch espn sportcenter and check the weather on the weather channel. well, that didn't last very long since i was teacher and my students wanted to know what was happening in the world and how it affected them. i learned from my mum, a retired military wife and veteran spouse of desert storm, that if the military hasn't contacted you personally, it's not your soldier they are talking about. so put down the brown paper bag, take the evening news for what it is and breathe normally.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
what about the kids?
so it's not just about you, you've got this little one who is your world too. but how are you going to keep yourself together and make sure your little one(s) some survives this tough experience too?
the first time my hubby deployed it was just the two us, no kids. however, i was teaching on post in the 4&5 year old program and felt like a second mother to many of them. i can still see the day they broke my heart as if it were this morning. jakobi came in glum and definitely not himself. carlos walked over to him, put his arm around his shoulder and said, 'it's okay, i miss my dad too.' how does something like that not break your heart? as a teacher i made sure our weekly newsletters were available online for our soldier parents down range so that they could keep up with their preschooler. we also made weekly care packages of artwork and student work for our students who had soldiers down range. and our school had a 'wall of heroes' where students could hang home-made posters of their soldier. it wasn't much, but it helped.
the second time hubby deployed our son was just five weeks old. i knew what i was going to do to make it through the deployment, but what was i going to do to make that our son knew who his father was when he came home 15 months later? my hubby taped himself reading bedtime stories and made our son a build-a-bear with a special message for him. i made hung pictures of the two of them and of hubby in his uniform all over the house. we used the webcam as much as possible. and by the time my hubby came home for r&r, our son was seven months old but knew who the tall man in the uniform was; he was the man in the computer, the voice on the phone, the guy who read to him each night. and when our deployment was over and we picked up our hero, we went home, had dinner and by bath time it was as if my hubby had been home the last 15 months.
because i was a first-time mom and we were stationed at a remote-like base with no family nearby and large population of the post deployed, i moved home. this was a decision my hubby and i made. for us, since our son was only five weeks old, the move did not interfere with school or with friendships already made.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
great resources for kids:
military one source has a great list of books, dvds and online resources for you and your kids:
http://tinyurl.com/militaryonesource
the first time my hubby deployed it was just the two us, no kids. however, i was teaching on post in the 4&5 year old program and felt like a second mother to many of them. i can still see the day they broke my heart as if it were this morning. jakobi came in glum and definitely not himself. carlos walked over to him, put his arm around his shoulder and said, 'it's okay, i miss my dad too.' how does something like that not break your heart? as a teacher i made sure our weekly newsletters were available online for our soldier parents down range so that they could keep up with their preschooler. we also made weekly care packages of artwork and student work for our students who had soldiers down range. and our school had a 'wall of heroes' where students could hang home-made posters of their soldier. it wasn't much, but it helped.
the second time hubby deployed our son was just five weeks old. i knew what i was going to do to make it through the deployment, but what was i going to do to make that our son knew who his father was when he came home 15 months later? my hubby taped himself reading bedtime stories and made our son a build-a-bear with a special message for him. i made hung pictures of the two of them and of hubby in his uniform all over the house. we used the webcam as much as possible. and by the time my hubby came home for r&r, our son was seven months old but knew who the tall man in the uniform was; he was the man in the computer, the voice on the phone, the guy who read to him each night. and when our deployment was over and we picked up our hero, we went home, had dinner and by bath time it was as if my hubby had been home the last 15 months.
because i was a first-time mom and we were stationed at a remote-like base with no family nearby and large population of the post deployed, i moved home. this was a decision my hubby and i made. for us, since our son was only five weeks old, the move did not interfere with school or with friendships already made.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
great resources for kids:
military one source has a great list of books, dvds and online resources for you and your kids:
http://tinyurl.com/militaryonesource
and there was a knock at the door
it's the one thing you would never wish on anyone, not even an enemy. you watch the evening news and you see their faces and wonder who they left behind. you catch yourself tearing up and praying for their family and then praying that God's protective hand be upon your soldier. but what happens when they call you to locate you and then come knock on your door, bow their head and say, 'mama, we have official news from the pentagon, your soldier has been injured.' or even worse, 'mama, we have official news from the pentagon, your soldier has been killed.' what do you do then? what happens to you, your world, the life you two had planned?
i thank God every night that the knock never came at my door. during the first deployment it wasn't a reality. but during the second deployment, it became a serious, hard, awful reality. i checked my myspace as i usually did just to check up on all my deployment buddies. there it was on heather's status, marcus had been killed. my heart sunk. then i checked jules's status and it was true. just then the evening news came on and the first bullet was, 'a local zephyrs hills soldier was killed today in iraq.' and they showed his picture. it was all the more i needed to send my world into shock.
since we were all far from our base, i became the care team. i made a few dishes, visited the family and attended the funeral. we, my mum, our 6.5 month old son, and i, attended the toughest thing a military wife could ever experience. it was surreal. it was beautiful. it was absolutely heartbreaking.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
read the inspiring stories of those who have lost loved ones (and find resources if you ever join their ranks):
http://www.americanwidowproject.org/
http://www.airmanmom.blogspot.com
i thank God every night that the knock never came at my door. during the first deployment it wasn't a reality. but during the second deployment, it became a serious, hard, awful reality. i checked my myspace as i usually did just to check up on all my deployment buddies. there it was on heather's status, marcus had been killed. my heart sunk. then i checked jules's status and it was true. just then the evening news came on and the first bullet was, 'a local zephyrs hills soldier was killed today in iraq.' and they showed his picture. it was all the more i needed to send my world into shock.
since we were all far from our base, i became the care team. i made a few dishes, visited the family and attended the funeral. we, my mum, our 6.5 month old son, and i, attended the toughest thing a military wife could ever experience. it was surreal. it was beautiful. it was absolutely heartbreaking.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
read the inspiring stories of those who have lost loved ones (and find resources if you ever join their ranks):
http://www.americanwidowproject.org/
http://www.airmanmom.blogspot.com
time for a little r&r
woo hoo! so you've handled the first few months of this deployment with as much pose and grace and stick-to-ness as you possibly can. time for your hero to come home and take a break with you. so, what all are you really going to be able to do in those few short days that he's home? will it really be enough time for him to relax? do we break our routine we've had these last few months and let him join in? what should i expect of him and do to help him enjoy and make the most of these few days?
it's all downhill from here
you've made it through saying good-bye, you've made it to and through r&r, now it's all downhill until homecoming. but why does it seem like forever until he finally comes home? how are you going to survive these last few months?
welcome home!
you've gotten your mail stop date. you've been debating about what to wear. you've ordered your welcome home banner. you've cleaned the house fifteen times and stocked the fridge with all of his favorites. you've waited what seems like your whole life to see that white bus pull back into the parking lot. or you've waited for that ship to dock finally again at home. or you've waited for him to walk off that plane again. welcome home! job well done! we've missed you!
i got a text message from a friend that she would 'have her midnight kiss this year.' that's all i needed to know. they were coming home! when i talked to hubby, he confirmed that he would home in the next few weeks, but it would be a while before he knew for sure. i already had our homecoming banner and yellow ribbons up (we moved into a new house while hubby was deployed, so i hung yellow ribbons so he could 'follow them home.') and the house was almost feeling like home. however, it was christmas and lil man and i had traveled home to spend the holiday with family. so there i was, panicking a little because i might have to fly back early. who would pick us up? would i even be able to get a flight back in time? well, it all worked out.
a few weeks later i got the call, 'hunny, i'm at the airport, i'll see you in an hour. i can't wait to eat dinner as a family again.' i looked my best, put on lil man's homecoming shirt and headed to the gym to sit with all the other anxious families. it had been 7 months since my hubby had held our 15 month old son. how would the two of them react to each other? we sat nervously in the bleachers for what seemed like forever. then the slide show started; they showed them getting of the plane. we searched and searched for hubby but some how we missed him, but i knew he was in that group. then the doors opened and the goosebumps started along with the tears. again we searched the faces and finally, THERE HE IS! i don't think i've ever shouted that loud in my life. after the 'job well done! welcome home! dismissed!' we waited (i'm 5' even and hubby is 6'3" so it's easier for him to get to us). he made his way through the crowds. that first hug made the last 14 months of waiting and praying worth it. lil man didn't know what to think: how did he get out of the computer and off the tv and out of the pictures?
after gathering hubby's bags we headed home, had dinner and started living our 'happily ever after.'
aaron's wifey
2 deployments
army
i got a text message from a friend that she would 'have her midnight kiss this year.' that's all i needed to know. they were coming home! when i talked to hubby, he confirmed that he would home in the next few weeks, but it would be a while before he knew for sure. i already had our homecoming banner and yellow ribbons up (we moved into a new house while hubby was deployed, so i hung yellow ribbons so he could 'follow them home.') and the house was almost feeling like home. however, it was christmas and lil man and i had traveled home to spend the holiday with family. so there i was, panicking a little because i might have to fly back early. who would pick us up? would i even be able to get a flight back in time? well, it all worked out.
a few weeks later i got the call, 'hunny, i'm at the airport, i'll see you in an hour. i can't wait to eat dinner as a family again.' i looked my best, put on lil man's homecoming shirt and headed to the gym to sit with all the other anxious families. it had been 7 months since my hubby had held our 15 month old son. how would the two of them react to each other? we sat nervously in the bleachers for what seemed like forever. then the slide show started; they showed them getting of the plane. we searched and searched for hubby but some how we missed him, but i knew he was in that group. then the doors opened and the goosebumps started along with the tears. again we searched the faces and finally, THERE HE IS! i don't think i've ever shouted that loud in my life. after the 'job well done! welcome home! dismissed!' we waited (i'm 5' even and hubby is 6'3" so it's easier for him to get to us). he made his way through the crowds. that first hug made the last 14 months of waiting and praying worth it. lil man didn't know what to think: how did he get out of the computer and off the tv and out of the pictures?
after gathering hubby's bags we headed home, had dinner and started living our 'happily ever after.'
aaron's wifey
2 deployments
army
making it our happily ever after
so now that he's rejoining your life and your routine and everything that he's missed out on during the deployment, here's comes another challenge. making he's transition, his reintegration as smooth as possible though it won't be that picture you painted in your head. however, you can make life as happily as ever after.
i won't lie, reintegration was hard and 5 months later is still hard. i catch myself reminding myself that hubby has only been a dad for 5 months and been a husband at home for 12 months. he has no clue what he's doing half the time, but he tries (he reads my parent magazines and researches online). the biggest thing to remember is that when the argument is over, say 'i love you.' and fight fair; he went through some crazy hard tough over there, but you also went through your own crazy hard time back here. there is no way to compare those two experiences, both were awful and neither can say 'my experience was worse.' so, don't even bring it up. when you do find yourselves at a tough spot, step back, take a breath or ten and calm down, hash it out and move forward.
as far as life as a family again, take it one moment at a time. and throw out that picture perfect idea you have in your head. you're going to miss all the special little moments if you keep waiting for that picture perfect moment. give your husband and children time. they've been through a tough separation and in their own time, we'll be best buddies again. and yes, it stinks because you'll still be pulling double duty, but in the long run if you keep your big girl panties on and work through it, you'll get your happily ever after.
and one more thing, as hard as it will be, try not to countdown to the end of dwell time. you will only drive yourself crazy and miss out on the time you have together if you're already worrying about the next set of orders. enjoy the here and now.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
i won't lie, reintegration was hard and 5 months later is still hard. i catch myself reminding myself that hubby has only been a dad for 5 months and been a husband at home for 12 months. he has no clue what he's doing half the time, but he tries (he reads my parent magazines and researches online). the biggest thing to remember is that when the argument is over, say 'i love you.' and fight fair; he went through some crazy hard tough over there, but you also went through your own crazy hard time back here. there is no way to compare those two experiences, both were awful and neither can say 'my experience was worse.' so, don't even bring it up. when you do find yourselves at a tough spot, step back, take a breath or ten and calm down, hash it out and move forward.
as far as life as a family again, take it one moment at a time. and throw out that picture perfect idea you have in your head. you're going to miss all the special little moments if you keep waiting for that picture perfect moment. give your husband and children time. they've been through a tough separation and in their own time, we'll be best buddies again. and yes, it stinks because you'll still be pulling double duty, but in the long run if you keep your big girl panties on and work through it, you'll get your happily ever after.
and one more thing, as hard as it will be, try not to countdown to the end of dwell time. you will only drive yourself crazy and miss out on the time you have together if you're already worrying about the next set of orders. enjoy the here and now.
aaron's wifey
army
2 deployments
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